Remembrance

So Guy Fawkes Day is today, and it has traditionally become a day I celebrate by watching V for Vendetta. I'm going to watch it of course, but I'm also going to think of ways to change my life for the better as well as the world.

I've been drifting along and I'm so sick of just getting by--I have to change it and I have to figure out how. I'm sinking in a world that doesn't care that much.

I need a plan, a plot, I need to try something new. By January of 2012 I have to be in a new job or bust. I've become too unused to trying that I need to force myself to try again.

I've got this neat little iPod blogger app so I want to try blogging again for a while. I'm also planning to try a bit of iPod publishing with it focusing on iPod apps and seeing where it goes from there. It could be a fun little venture.

I've gotta find something I love to do in my life before I loathe simply living my life. I've been disconnected from everyone and everything and finding a new connection seems difficult, while maintaining connections seem too often one sided. It is rare when people take an interest in me--but I love those rare people for it as well.

Since I last posted I've also taken an interest in politics once again, and I've discovered I'm a little more libertarian minded at present.

I need to change many things and I feel such a journey begins with a single step....step...

TKO

I have to say this week has not been a good one--I've mostly just been trying to survive and am feeling just a bit too stressed out in life.

Wishing I had any of my long lost friends just to talk to.

I'm tired of life and I just don't know what to do to change everything around. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

The price you pay for being antisocial is nobody really wants to socialize with you when you need people.

Right now I'm just chilling out with music and hoping I can turn things around. Please let me turn things around...

Rain

It was a rainy, dreary day.  Some days I just hate Mondays and today was a very good reminder of that.  Work was busy as I just wasn't in the right mindset to handle it.

 

I was also reminded today why I want so bad to get out of this place as someone came through who was a relative of someone I went to high school with, which reminded me of how successful many of my friends from highschool are who didn't even attend college.  If I'd have gotten into the job market right out of high school I think I would have been in a better job situation by now.

 

On the flip side if I'd not went to college I would not be who I am now, who is someone I am actually starting to like.  I really need to find a work I love, whatever that work may be--I'm just not sure what I want to do however.

 

I wish I was on some tropical island somewhere just chilling out sipping fruity alcoholic drinks lol.

#ZombieApocalpyse

There are some mornings I just wake up and hope for a Zombie Apocalypse, but at the same time I feel I am unprepared for such an occurrence.  I'm constantly trying to formulate a plan in the case for a possible zombie invasion.

 

I know that it may be unlikely but it could still happen--I definitely need to put a plan in place and read the Zombie Survival Guide one more time. I've contemplated taking over  a storage area and raiding the contents of said storage facility if such an attack happens.  I've took into account that many of the other areas such as Wal-Mart or other grocery stores will be looted and it will be in my best interest to avoid human raiders just as much as zombies.  I think perhaps it is time to get a zombie survival video game....

 

I wrote one blog entry already, but I felt the strong desire to write another tonight.  I'm feeling a bit lonely and a bit isolated from the world.  I hate feeling so isolated but I've choose to become this way as I don't go out that often, have people over, don't like to talk on the phone, I do love to write and email or even blog--but I've gotten so bad at it that people rarely talk to me. Perhaps I'm already avoiding people like they are zombies.

 

This weekend was far too short as previously stated and I didn't spend my time very well.  I've probably had more fun at work sadly than I've had at home.  My life isn't too extraordinary lately and I just want things to be shaken up a little bit.  The days when I can act young and stupid are rapidly disappearing and I've probably spent too much time acting like a square lol.

 

I know that even if I got everything I ever wanted I would probably still be unhappy and want more--I've learned however to enjoy the little things and to be satisfied at least with what I have.  Sometimes however on days like that everything I have seems a bit too boring.

 

Life is life and I'm going to keep on living--but I refuse to become a zombie at least until I get that fatal zombie bite during the zombie apocalypse.

Blah

It seems I've fallen out of blogging for the most part.  I think perhaps I've just been procrastinating as the want/need to write hasn't been stirring in me as much as it was previously.  I'm saddest to see that I've lost touch with people on Livejournal as well, not to mention everyone I've already lost touch with in the real world.  I've still been tweeting and trying to keep in touch with people via that service--but honestly I am already slipping with a few good friends on there too.  I don't like not talking to people, but perhaps I haven't been in the mood for much conversation.

 

I've attacked work head on, really trying to do well, and trying to push myself to be a better mercenary for the company that identifies me just as a plain number.  That's what major businesses are good for after all--I'm only as useful to them as long as I keep making them money, which I do so well they outa give me a gold star.  I'm honing my customer service skills and I'm biding my time as I check the want ads periodically while keeping my ear to the ground.  Long days are afoot and they tend to be mentally tiring sometimes and I just have to do everything I can do just to recharge my batteries on a daily basis.

 

I feel sad for the friends I've lost along the way so far--I realize I can be anti-social sometimes so I know the blame rests on my shoulders.

 

This weekend has been a wash--I'm not even sure I can call it a weekend as it is supposed to be two days and only felt like two hours--I'll admit I slept in til 10 today and 8 yesterday (lol stupid days I wake up when I don't desire to)

 

My life hasn't been so exciting--the highlights have been watching the Deadliest Warrior season finale of Vampires vs Zombies and playing random games on my ipod while generally just trying to keep my sanity intact.  I'm a little crazy to begin with I think but I don't need the gentlement in those fancy white coats to come knocking on my door.

 

I'm not sure if anyone will even read this but I love getting email, so if any of you out there decide you need an email penpal feel free to drop me a line: quixotichaven@gmail.com, feel free to even play with me a little bit and make me guess who it is and where I know you from.

 

I think life forgot me at some point....or at least that is what I would have used to say...actually I realize life really doesn't care about me or my plans--I've just got to make due with what I got and with a little luck and a little hope that great things will eventually come my way.

 

I've got most of the things I need in life, but definitely not everything I want nor the things I need for true fulfillment within my heart of hearts.  I do appreciate those things I do have and I appreciate the things I've loved and lost.

 

Life is said to be about the journey, not always about the destination--but with that journey sometimes you have rocky roads and cloudy skies and sometimes it feels like rain follows you where you go--we all have different paths and forks we can take down our path in life so we have control to an extent of what happens, the rest is up to fate. 

 

I'm someone who believes in karma, that if I do good things for the right reasons eventually all that good energy will come back around.  There are some days that I sincerely hope that is true.

 

 

Disconnected and Drifting Away

It has probably been a while since I wrote a proper blog that didn't come out as if it were just a bunch of tweets strung together.  Twitter has been a wonderful thing for when I am totally spaced out and unable to form more complex trains of thought.  Sometimes my attention span is very, very small and I use my free time very, very badly. 

 

Today is Saturday and I am sick with a cold, or something that has given me this horrible sore throat and the desire to do absolutely nothing.  I stayed up late into the night just listening to music and generally having no desire to really go to bed.  I also watched the Other Guys, again as we have been quoting it extensively at work between my own Talladega Nights quotes that I am throwing out there, "Shake and Bake!" Through this I found myself doing something I have never done at work: laughing.  I was filled with good cheer at a place that I have hated experiencing for years and I began to wonder if I am the same person or growing into someone new.

 

The pressure to be whatever anyone else wants is totally off my back, I am only what I make myself to be.  I write my own definition and don't base it off the ideals of other people.  I could label myself slacker somedays or corporate slave other days, but I'm most simply just me--the product of my experiences and the people I've met along paths in time.

 

I feel weird saying this but work is good and I'm having fun doing something that I never imagined I would.  It is only a temporary stop along my life's path and I feel that the next junction in my journey is coming up soon.  I've been trying new things and I'm always on the look out for signs of change.  I'm working on bettering myself inside as a person and being as kind as I can to the outside world--I'm hoping that I will find a star to wish upon and find the change I've desired for years.

 

The more I learn about me however the more disconnected I feel from the world as many of my deep connections with people have fallen away and I've had trouble establishing new ones.  I cannot bring the people back into my life who have gone out of it--but I can remember them as they are forever a part of me.

 

I'm drifting away to something new, something better than I've felt.  The cloud of depression will continue to lift and I will continue to overcome all my own little insecurities.  I still have my flaws I realize and I still have my scars--but as for fear that is also beginning to drift away.

 

There are positives and negatives in everything I realize and I hate being sick but I love just being able to lie around all day and watch movies or listening to music--tweet or even blog.

 

I do not regret the past and the choices I made, I only remember the failures as a stairstep to achievement--I hope it doesn't take too long to get to a greater chapter in my life but I do resolve to be "happy-go-lucky" until I get there.

Monday, Tuesday

I haven't been blogging as much and I feel a little bad about it.  Haven't been keeping up on LJ, so I'm sorry to my dear friends who have been missing out on my lovely comments.

 

I will eventually get better as things level out a bit more, and when I learn to manage my time a bit better.  Today marked the beginning of the second week of me being back to work.  It is starting to get better.  Work is work of course, but it isn't as tiring as it was.  I'm still getting used to the heat however and not having as much free time.

 

Twitter is still my social media friend, and I've put my tweets up here on LJ, for those curious to see. 

 

Had a long talk with my uncle tonight explaining netflix, and it was nice talking to him as me and him used to be pretty close while I was growing up.

 

I sadly feel sleepy and it is only about 8:30 p.m.

 

I'm going to find something to do, eventually however I will feel like writing more--perhaps on the weekend.

 

My last weekend was good and I ended up watching a lot of movies, which is always good :-) Bye for now all you friends out there who are still listening, I still apologize for not reading as much.

Weekending

I haven't been active with the blogging in the past few days and this is something I regret.  I like keep up with my thoughts usually but this week has been longer than I expected, two of the days were just simply exhausting.  Friday was however a good day and I just needed to chill out after I got home.

 

This week was busy, oh so busy and technology often failed, which made things way harder than they should have been.  Work is better than it ever was, despite being busy.  I feel confident in my position and though it isn't my ideal I'm still attempting to perform to the best of my ability, when before I was just trying to make it buy.  I work to live, I don't live to work--but a hard days work can still be satisfying when I feel like I gave it my all.

 

My nights have all turned into a blur between being tired and just losing track of time.  During the day I got to talk with some returning customers and I ever got invited to a movie night, which I am more than happy to go to at some point. 

 

Today is Saturday and marks the beginning of a three day weekend, care of Labor Day! I get another day of rest and recorvery for my leg muscles that have to get readjusted to standing for long preiods of time.

 

My back started randomly hurting yesterday and it concerns me as I've never gotten any back pain and it was a sharp pain originating in my left shoulder blade.

 

This weekend I'm going to rest and relax and look at see if there are any new jobs out there in the area.  A lot of apps are going on sale or for free in the ipod app store so I'm going to conclude this blog with a few of my current recommendations:

 

RobotSockets~a free tetris like game where you attempt to connect robot arms to rack up a score.

 

Zombie Highway~a free driving game where you try to knock zombies off your moving car by shooting them or sideswiping them into various obstacles.

 

Meernotes~an interesting note application

 

Thorn~a dugeon crawler with zombie chopping action and a time limit.

 

Flare~a video app for those who have an ipod 4th gen or an Iphone with video.

 

That is all, hope everyone has a good labor day weekend.

First Day

Today was my first day back at work, and I'll admit I was dreading it and probably thinking the worst.  It definitely wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.  I got to do the actual position I wanted all day and that was awesome after it had been taken away from me last year for no reason other than someone higher on the totem pole wanted it.  It was nice being back in fact--it was fast paced, we were busy almost all day.  I felt pain but I pushed through it and tapped into my Zen reserve as I'm calling it.

 

After all at this job I'm a mercenary, it isn't my passion but it pays the bills mostly.  It is bearable until something better comes along.  I'm making it a point to still look for that something better to come along every morning before work.  I do need a change to quote the popular line from the Lethal Weapon movies, "I'm getting too old for this shit."  Dead-end jobs not really my favorite, but I plan on making myself looking very good there before I find something new.  Now starts my new work PR campaign lol.

 

In other news I went to bed before 11 last night and woke up at 6am...not a fan of the whole 6am deal.

 

I'm going to try to leave some LJ comments for everyone when I get around to it, but if I get a little lax I do apologize.  I've gotta get readjusted, but today was proof that I can handle it better than I ever could.  It's so much better doing things when I for once have some self-esteem and take like as it comes, rolling with the punches.

 

Farewell for now LJ and Blogger--if anyone still reads this on Blogger I'll be surprised as I think my one fan disappeared a while back :-P

Independently Alone

"Watching" firefly in the background as I write this. Was listening to music and I needed a change of pace.  It's been a slow day for journaling and twittering--it seems like everyone I know is out somewhere living their lives.  It's the weekend after all and I'm sure many people are having a great time.  I need to get more friends who like to do things to break me out of my anti-social-ness.

 

Got my av cable for my ipod and it plays videos from netflix and youtube as well as whatever else I put on the actual ipod, or stream to it.  Music just puts up a black screen but plays music.  The games unfortunately won't show as I'd have hoped and they play like music.  I'll have to try to jailbreak the ipod later and see if I can mirror it.  Otherwise it is a great purchase at $15 with shipping and everything.  It's great for watching netflix or even youtube for that matter.  If you have an ipod and want a cheap AV cable I recommend the Belkin F8Z361tt06-P, as I wasn't about to pay full price for the Apple version.  Good deal and worth it.

 

I feel sleepy, I might take a nap later and just try to sleep all night for once.

 

If you have twitter and haven't added me yet hit me up @quixotichaven

 

Everyone have a wonderful day/night.

When Insomnia Strikes Back

I wasn't feeling so well earlier so I took two melatonin and went to bed at 9PM, however I only ended up sleeping for about three and a half hours. This leaves me lying in bed right now somewhere between being asleep and being awake.

I had so hoped I could correct my sleep schedule before Monday, Monday most likely is going to suck with work...

I find myself pondering all the mysteries of the universe at this point. Just lying here thinking about all the people who have past through my life and all the people who I don't really know anymore. It saddens me. Sometimes I wish that my words had the power to bring them all back.

I remember blogging at one time long ago, writing such utterly depressing blogs looking for sympathy. I never want to do that again as it was so selfish of me--I wanted everyone's pity and through that it didn't lead to any form of real connection at all.

I've come a long way since being an "emo kid" as some people would say. I've learned to control my emotions better or at least learned to not let them overwhelm me for days and days. Progress sometimes only happens one day at a time.

I want to have true friendships again, though I've become so anti-social it's so hard to really meet people. Anyone out there interested in becoming email penpals? I'd love to practice writing a bit more with a few of you; while getting to know you better

Life hasn't turned out the way I've wanted it to, I know it is up to me alone to change things, but where do you go when you've lost direction and are spinning about? I want to feel the emotion I feel when learning about someone for the first time and really hitting it off.

I think it may be time for me to attempt a reconnect with the few people I know how to find.

I so very much hate to lose touch; in a world where we have email, Facebook and twitter I have still never felt so disconnected from people. I need to get out and live life a little bit better as "I'm getting too old for this shit."

It's hard transitioning from the world of school where you feel like you can do well without even truly trying to living in a world where the harder you try the more you seem to fall flat on your face.

I want to feel alive, to taste victory, and I want to see the world before it is too late. I feel like I am trapped in a box unable to claw my way out and just feel better.

I'm out of touch and as I said many years ago that still rings true: I am of this world, but not part of it.

I've never really found any place where I truly felt at home, even where I grew up I had my head in the clouds and lived my life chasing stars.

Where do I go from here?

Solitaire

I miss having true connections with people, I've only met a few people I've truly connected with in my life and they could always make me feel better just by talking to them.  It seems all of them have moved on to bigger or better things, all of those things not involving me.

 

It depresses me that I lost my best friend a few years back and I haven't seen him or heard from him since and I couldn't even imagine how to find him as he's very adamant about not having any form of social media and he's not one just to put his name out there.  Best guy friend I ever had as every other time in my life I've connected better with women on a friendship level.

 

Feeling a little lonely and wishing I had more friends or anything to do really.  Sometimes I just wish I had someone to write to on a daily basis.  Journaling helps but it just isn't the same as a real conversation when you need it.

 

Was waiting on my AV cord today that never came; I think the mailman only runs on days he feels like it.  I just hope I get it before Monday so that leaves only tomorrow. 

 

I wasn't really feeling so depressed today, but right now I do. 

 

I tried intergrating twitter with the LJ and it just didn't work as I was tweeting like crazy.

 

I wish I had some junk food :(

Push

It seems I missed posting an entry yesterday.  I do hate it when I fall so far behind that I forget to do things I'd like to do everyday.

I spent yesterday tweeting and watching Smallville--up to season 7 and I swear even though I'm only a few seasons in I have a crush on the supergirl character.

I've discovered that if I post random movie quotes via twitter with the appropriate tags that I get followers and people who retweet--I'm going to test my theory accordingly.

I swear I go from periods of time to where everyone wants to talk to me, to where nobody wants to--there never seems to be an in between and I so hate losing out on good conversation.

Listening to Matchbox 20 currently and probably spent five minutes trying to untangle my earbuds to do so.

I've been in a weird mood lately and perhaps my currently blog entry is probably going to read like a string of tweets instead of being cohesive.

I work Monday, and I'll regret later not acquiring a new job, but for now I'm just going to wing it.  

Now comes the time to go around catching up a bit with everyone, hello everyone!

So wordpress absolutely refuses to accept my email posting, so I've decided that I probably will not be using it anymore.  I've got my LJ and my Blogger and that's all I need.  The blogger being the only one with the potential to earn me money while the LJ being the only one anyone will actually read--go figure.  Very unfortunate that I can't combine the two.

Passion Rules Reason

Wizard's Third Rule: "Passion Rules Reason, for better or for worse."

 

I have to say that this rule often applies in my case.   Often in being quixotic I tend to let my emotions lead me rather than my actual mind.  There is much strength to be found in reason and acting rationally, but when I see something I desire I often do not wish to accept that which is unattainable.  In life by going by feelings rather than both feelings and reason I've gone down paths that have ultimately been left to failure.  How many bridges burn and how many friendships lost due to unrequited love?  I'm not sure I have an answer.  But it's just too bad.  Somewhere along the way of failing so much I built the wall just a little high.  Something would come along and knock it down and I'd put it up again just a little bit higher.

 

"If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be.  Now put foundations under them." ~Thoreau

 

The reality is that the reality of the world may never be is good as the world I imagine in my own mind.  I'd have to say I believe in karma, but the question is where did I go wrong that I can't figure out what to do with my life?  I'm content with my world for now, but it could be so much greater.  I just don't know where to turn in order to change things.  I've been looking in my mind for many years for the answer but I can only conclude that the answer is somewhere out in the world.  It doesn't help to seek an answer when you can't go out in find it. 

 

Last night I felt depressed and after I consumed a large helping of Doritos I discovered that perhaps it was do to blood sugar issues.  I should probably go to the doctor again, when I can afford to do so as I stand at high risk for diabetes--firstly it is hereditary, and also I don't diet and exercise like I should, plus when I get in a depressed mood I often stress eat in order to try to fill up a void.

 

Something has got to change.  I'm not sure if I'm supposed to go back to work tomorrow as I've called the second time for no answer and I was told previously the 29th so that is the date I'm going with unless they call me and tell me otherwise.  I left a voicemail.  I'm currently on unemployment and food stamps due to being unable to find a job--but truthfully even if I dislike my job I'd rather be working instead of just receiving those.  I'm still very much in the red and the lack of money to pay bills is at a critical level.

 

I've been playing the game of nationstates twice a day every day and I feel like my nations are doing quite well.  My oldest and greatest being Palidor where despite my own political beliefs I decided to outlaw political freedom.  It is deemed a "Father Knows Best State" and I think that perhaps this is how I will run my own country someday, or perhaps the world.  Giving a large amount of civil liberties and yet cutting out an actual political system as the system has been doing quite crappy for its citizens as of late.

 

I got the game Siege Hero the other day for my ipod and I've been playing it frequently enough to unlock all the gamecenter achievments but one.  Currently ranked #2,782 out of 807, 451 people.  Game play is parellel to angry birds as you are trying to knock down castles or "sieges" in attempt to crush the enemy characters as well as to not harm the captive peasants on levels that have peasants.  It doesn't have a slingshot like angry birds but instead you just tap a place on the castle and fire.  So very addicting and it is still free if you have an ipod/iphone.

 

Right now I'm going to find something to do, my eyes start hurting after staring at a computer screen for too long, so a quick rest is in order and then onto livejournal comments.

 

"You can't stop the signal"

The Waning of an Overexhausted Mind

It seems I have been struck down all of a sudden with the feeling of overwhelming depression.  I feel it is important for me to document these cases as they occur to better understand the fluctuation of my moods. 

 

The thing is my brain is a very funny thing sometimes and I don't understand it at all when if fall into this mood with not anything truly setting me off.  When I hit a period of constant depressing thoughts I often fall into total oblivion within myself, eventually the only thing that can bring me out of it is something resembling a nervous breakdown.  After I hit that very low point I tend to snap back into a better mood very quickly.

 

My mind often feels as if there has been a fog placed over it where it is impossible to truly think clearly.  Writing has become one of the clearest ways I've found to force thought.

 

I'm very tired today, my mind especially and I feel like I need to go to bed very early.  I don't want to go to bed but I'm not sure I have much choice with my zombie-like feelings.

 

I'm not sure if anyone will even read this or want to reply to it--but if you do I thank you in advance for your compassion.

 

Good night everyone, it is my hope that I will be more of myself tomorrow.

Hope in a Box

I'm reminded of how much I truly enjoy forming connections with people and how they are so rare in my life.  I especially enjoy very long conversations that I never want to end.  I won't go into details as the involved party will probably be the only one who gets this.  It's something I felt I need to mention as my blogs are about things that are important to me.

 

I've found that often when I write blog entries or even when I just talk there are still parts of me that I never let anyone see or open up to anyone about.  I learned a long time ago to never put myself too far out there or really let anyone into the depths.  Pain is not something I care to deal with on a daily basis.

 

The question I ask myself often is "Am I strong enough to be who I want to be?"  I hope that someday I find the answer to that question.  I keep learning about new parts of me and I've learned I don't hate myself like I used to think I did.  Depression tends to tell our minds the lies of a thousand insults.

 

I have hope for the future and hope everything will work out in my favor eventually.  I've got to remember to always keep a positive attitude even on the worst days when the world falls in around me.

 

Today I don't feel that way, today has been a good day and I've caught myself smiling more often than usual.

 

I have my reasons for doing so, but that is something reserved.

 

I enjoy waking up everyday and learning something new.  I think my childhood wonder is still in there somewhere, which means so is my creativity. 

 

Hope is rekindled.

 

Have you ever had days when you just wanted to move to a new place and start all over?  Maybe take a chance, sink or swim.  There have been many chances in my life left untaken and the past cannot be fixed only the present, which will alter the course of the future.

 

So I called the bossman and didn't get anything but the voicemail.  Left a message but I have no idea when I go back to work.  I'm not sure if I actually care or not.  They definitely need to get their dates straight.

 

Listening to Pandora radio and that reminded me of the one thing that didn't escape Pandora's box in mythology: Hope :-)

Just a Day

It seems my gmail inbox has been filling up with email notifications from twitter and livejournal, and I have to say I kinda like it.  It's nice being able to have conversations with random people and I've already met so many wonderful people; who I hope to form closer bonds with.  I love it so much here I am writing about it.

 

I didn't sleep so well last night and played Siege Hero until I got totally stuck on a level where I can't seem to even win at all, let alone get the gold crown.  Beat the first half of it anyways and it is very much like Angry Birds, though I didn't have to pay a cent for it.  I love getting free Ipod apps of note.  Some I've paid for I don't even play that much.  But, as I was saying I didn't sleep so well and found myself lying in bed even though despite having taken melatonin.  Sometimes it makes me very drowsy and sometimes it has no effect whatsoever.

 

I woke up late, again, and I'm parents came for a visit.  It is always nice seeing them and we went out to Wendy's and then to a couple shops around town--I didn't buy anything and the heat got to me and made me feel a bit ill.  I hate hot days like that.

 

After the trip around town we came back to my house and watched Unknown, which I found to be enjoyable though it still didn't have as much action as Taken, which is what I heard one review said it had more than.  Good movie, after that I convinced them to watch an episode of Deadliest Warrior, I think they liked it--it was the George Washington vs. Napoleon episode.  I enjoyed it too as I hadn't seen it.

 

Now I am just chilling and thinking.  I'm feeling like everyone is busy tonight as twitter just isn't as hopping as usual.  That gives me time to catch up with livejournal.  My strategy is I reply to most comments my LJ inbox tells me about and then I go through popping up entries that seem like I could leave a nice comment on, then I try to make as many comments of note I can.  I'd like to apologize to any LJ friends I've missed so far, I really like leaving comments and being involved in the conversation. 

 

The journey of self-discovery continues, sometimes I learn things about myself that surprise me as different people tend to show me another side to me, or bring out different personality traits.  I most times respond to the emotions around me and I generally start feeling whatever emotion it is.  Not sure if that makes sense or not.

 

Tomorrow I've gotta call the boss man and find out if I work a week from now or a couple of days.  Again I'm dedicated to just making my money and going home as this is a job, not a career.  One of these days I will be lucky enough to get a career, I just hope it doesn't take me 10 years. 

 

I'd like to conclude by saying, not every day is full of bliss, but the majority of my days aren't filled with sorrow either.  Alot of days are just days, and living with depression at times that is what I am lucky enough to get.  I do enjoy when things go my way, when I have power over my own destiny or can help shape the world around me, but some days I've just gotta go with the flow, let chance or fate decide and hope with all my heart that my boat doesn't flip over. So goes life.

Muy Caliente

Did I spell that right? No bother as who needs grammar after all--not me in entries anyways.

 

It is so very hot today and I didn't realize how hot I was until I felt like I was beginning to cook.  The AC just never keeps up and we have a backup in the window that we have to crank on just to make the temp bearable.  It is so lovely being in a room where I don't feel like I am cooking like a Thanksgiving turkey.  I'm sure lying on a leather couch doesn't help much either.  Going to hate the electric bill, but love the AC. Blasted government monopolied electric company,

 

Been tweeting and conversing via tweet--fun stuff that twitter but I'm not going to go as crazy as I was before. 

 

I'm glad I'm back on livejournal as well and I've already met many interesting people--livejournal is probably the reason I love twitter anyways as twitter is just micro-blogging, meeting strangers and hopefully getting to know them.  LJ was always a bit deeper than that and coming back to it always feels like coming home--don't know when I first started using it but it was years ago and I'm still friends with the person who introduced me to it in the first place.

 

I think I've decided if I ever get together enough money to travel abroad, the first place I am going to travel is the UK, I think that would be a really enjoyable trip and I wouldn't have to learn another language to visit.  I especially want to tour Scotland and see some of the English Countryside.  I've meet so many interesting people from the UK on twitter already and I hope to meet more.

 

This is another day where I haven't done all that much.  I've got to remember to call my employer on Monday as I think the boss man told me the wrong day to come back, per usual.  Not looking forward to it but I need to money to get out of the red.  I tend to be in the red even when I'm working, so goes life. 

 

At the very least I'm alive--I'm not prospering but I've got the essentials and a few of the luxuries, someday I'll get my job as an aspiring journalist--but who is willing to hire someone who can't seem to break into the business?  I've been out of school 5 years come December and so far many attempts and nonody has desired to hire me. It might also be that I'm very introverted and the hire people who are simply more outgoing.

 

I'm just trying to be more content with what I have, it never seemed to help when I was always worried about not being as good as everyone else.

Introspective Inspection

I'd have to say I really enjoy blogging, even though I haven't had anything exciting to say for a while now.  Just examining my life has been enjoyable, and blogging is definitely better than therapy.  Everyone is a little crazy I believe, I know I have my quirks--I do things I regret or sometimes say things that don't make any sense to the outside world.  I pride myself in being random and living life in a Quixotic Haven.

I've been determined not to play the fool in my own life story, but instead the hero who rights wrongs wherever he can.  Some days I feel like I've stumbled off my path a bit, going with things I feel passionately about instead of letting reason rule as it should.  "Passion Rules Reason." as a rule of course. 

I very much would like to take a trip and visit some place new, some place more interesting than my current surroundings. Life's too short and it gets just a little bit shorter when you're short on cash, and in a little bit more debt than you want to be.  Going in debt to pay for an education is to be expected, but at the same time if I were easier to find a good job I might dig myself out of the financial hole.  Sadly money matters--some people have too much and don't even know what to do with it all.  

Personally I always thought knowledge more important than wealth, but the way the world works tells me otherwise.  Hence why I choose to live in my own little world.  At least when I'm blogging I don't have to answer to any other authority for while--just my own, my own ramblings.

So I now have a livejournal again, and I'm looking forward to developing some bonds and friendships with people--I've always loved reading about the stories of others as they were always so much more interesting than my own.  I like that I can post one email from anywhere and it posts simultaneously to blogger, livejournal, and even wordpress on occasion when wordpress isn't being dumb.  All the posts when they post are delayed and I'm not checking to make sure it posts this time so it will have to go on faith.  

I went out on twitter overload so I've back off on being so crazy and talking so much.  I like having followers but sadly I've only gotten to really talk to a handful of them.  Some tweets have gotten a little more scandalous than others on my side of things so I'm going to have to remember that everyone on the internet can see such things.  I've after all got to maintain a positive image, to a point.  Otherwise I just want to be myself, I'm a bit of an average joe in most respects, but unique in other things.  I appreciate originality in people and I generally do my own thing, whatever that might be.

I have a bit of fun when I can as well.  I'm going to post my 1000th tweet on twitter at some point tonight I think, I only have a handful of them to go--plus of course it helps when I have conversations on there with people, which I love to do.  I've gotta get some more followers without getting sucked into the social media vortex where it becomes all consuming to the point where I tweet about everything and never really live life.

"I have my moments, not many of them but I do have them."  

Life is about living after all, and as far as I know I only have the one life to live.

Everything's #Shiny

Today has been a day in a half already.  I woke up at 5am and played around with the idea of getting out of bed for a few hours.  The dog finally convinced me to get up and let him out, only he wouldn't go out and was being stubborn.  He just kept looking at me but wasn't telling me what he wanted, so I suppose he just wanted a little loving.

 

The majority of my day was actually spent watching tv, listening to music and generally tweeting about everything.  I've fallen in love with twitter I admit and I didn't quite understand it a week or so ago.  Glad that opened up for me.  I've actually met a lot of interesting people and had some good conversations so far--I hope to have a lot more, and hopefully I'm not bugging anyone as much as I try to talk to people.

 

The one thing I noticed about twitter is there are a lot of people using auto-tweet programs and posting random things like advertisements.  I had to unfollow a whole lot of them.  Before I was used to following more people than were follow me.  I just don't like my twitter feed clogged up with spam I guess.

 

Originally I was going to post a blog about Twitterific vs. Tweetbot, but I found I preferred Twitterific until I discovered Twitbird, which is my absolute favorite twitter ipod app at present.  It just has a lot more features, a better design, I can even find people close to me geographically. That's always fun.

 

In other news #shiny is my new tag when I tweet, I'll tweet it usually when I'm saying something nice or something I think is absolutely brilliant. The world pertains to the Serenity/Firefly series if you were wondering.  "Everything's shiny captain."

 

I feel so tired today I haven't done anything productive, but it has been quite relaxing.  I've got to enjoy every moment as the grind is coming back soon, work work work.  I prefer sleep, sleep, sleep. 

 

I'm getting back in the blogging habit, though I am looking forward to the time when I have a real event to blog about.  My life is a bit dull somedays so it is nice hearing other peoples stories.

 

#Shiny

 

 

 

Twitter Addiction and other Business

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

 

I have to face facts, I think I am beginning to develop a twitter addiction.  Just the other day I was just randomly posting a barrage of thoughts and it improved by leaps and bounds when I actually started talking to people and following them.  In the real world when you follow someone it tends to be called stalking, in the twitter world is accept and encouraged--fancy that.  I've had some very interesting conversations and met some really interesting people.  Up for a little more than a 100 tweets three days ago to now more than 500, and I'm looking forward to even more.  I never really dove in until now.

 

My inter-linking blogs are now complete, and this post will be another test as wordpress misfired the last time.  If I'm free tomorrow I expect I will try to find some Livejournal friends.

 

If you are my twitter friends you may have noticed I talk about Mello Yello a lot, I find it interesting as Mello Yello is following me on twitter and I've loved that soda since I was a kid.  It brings back a lot of memories.  In fact I tend to love the majority of Coca-Cola products, even bought a sweet hat with Coke reward points.  I love Coca-Cola for several reasons, it is a regional favorite first of all, so I grew up drinking various sodas from the company and have a lot of childhood memories centered around it.  Secondly I got a scholarship from them while in college that helped ease the massive pile of student loans that was piling up.  Consider me Team MelloYello!!!

 

In retrospect, I haven't really done all that much today outside of playing nationstates, sleeping til 1PM, drinking 1/3 a liter of a MelloYello, and just generally chatting on Twitter.  Where does the day go honestly?  Why does time often slip away so easily?

 

My summer and seasonal lay-off is almost over, so very soon I will be back in the grind.  But I will never forget this lovely summer as I feel like I've grown up a lot more than the past few years I've been out of college.  Funny how the mind works--it's hard to dig out of a rut, and I'll admit I'm not out yet but I'm most certainly still climbing.

A True Quixotic Haven

So I typed the name of my blog in the other day and I got two results concerning myself: one was my actual blog over on blogger and the other was my nationstates nation.

This got me thinking I could go for a little more exposure. I already have a quixotichaven twitter that I've been using frequently, but I decided I wanted a few more blogs to host my same content. Hence the addition of Livejournal and Wordpress.  I've had pleasant experiences with livejournal in the past and I'm definitely ready to try out wordpress. Blogger is my current favorite so we'll see if a little friendly competition helps out.

I've setup email posting so now writing a blog is as easy as just writing an email. It's a sweet setup. Perhaps the triple exposure will bring some actually cash-flow into my blogger. At the very least I hope to meet some new people. It'll be fun playing around with livejournal as well once again.

Blogging to me is not only about expressing my opinion and writing a bit but also about making connections with others through those words.

A writer has to write and I'm a writer and a journalist. I don't have a newspaper so I prefer to head to my own forum--my quixotic haven, now my quixotic empire!

This is my first entry for livejournal and wordpress so hello new blogs, I'm still keeping the old one :)

Browncoat For Life

I'm trying to write this from a different email account--hopefully it will work out well.

 

I've been doing a lot of thinking as of late, more passive than active thinking.  I've been wondering whatever happened to all those moments that have passed me by.  I have trouble remembering a year ago, let alone more, but sometimes things come along that remind me.  Sometimes we miss out on moments and all we can do is let go of the past in order to move on.  I've been robbed of emotions lately ever since I decided not to feel as depressed I haven't worried or even cared really about anything.  I still have desires unfulfilled, but they can't hurt me as they once could as I'm living more for the moment.

 

I still have a very vivid imagination despite not writing as much as I once did, and I still like writing emails even though I rarely do anymore.  I'm on an island within myself just going where I need to go for me.  I go with the flow for the most part, at least until the flow starts actually getting to me.  So far the flow hasn't went all that many places, but I hope adventures will come.

 

I still hold on to hope for things to go the way I want--so far I haven't gotten everything I've wanted but I've been content with everything I have.  I want to rock the boat a little bit, and maybe I just will.

Changing Changes

It seems my blog posts are becoming less and less frequent.  I would love to write more, but it seems the world has pulled me into distraction.

For me it has become less about social media and more about being social.  I've found an interest in Skype and Google Voice, to talk to old and new friends on the phone--it's weird for me as I'm not that big of a voice personality.   Or at least I wasn't until now--it feels nice getting compliments on my accent. 

I've lost track with a few friends sadly but I hope to get back in touch at some point, or maybe they'll come looking for me as it is nice being missed.

I've been getting reaquainted with the game Monster Hunter Tri, and I realize I'm still decent at it after a long absence. 

The other game I've been playing is a game called nationstates, where I have refounded my nation of Palidor and refounded the old region of Avalon.  It's quite fun being able to vote on political issues even though I'm not as political as I once was--I'd call myself more of  libertarian independent.

Life continues to go on, and wed is the 8am meeting I knew was coming; it'll be over quick enough and I'm not dreading it like years past.  The fact is my job will never define who I am unless I let it.

Work is work, and I can't escape a dead-end job just because I have a college degree--I must do instead what I have to in order to survive.  I will change it, in my mind I know it is time for a change; I've just got to make that happen.

My mind feels more complete and yet I remain a procrastinator.  Sometimes things have to find a way to push us in order to make things happen.

Duality

I am two different people...I play the hero but also the villain.  I am human and often find myself giving into my own selfish desires. I do what I can to be a good person, but I'm not often able to resist temptation.

I find often I have a void to fill and don't often fill it with what I need to. For years I would eat to fill the empty place. Then several weeks ago I discovered how to control it with pure willpower.

I live my life for pleasure and find pleasure in many things, is that the recipe for a fulfilled life or a recipe for disaster.

My depression has gone from a raging bull to a timid little field mouse. I haven't had a breaking or felt depressed for several days, since I last wrote about it in point of fact.

I return to work very soon and though the job is just a job--I will have my head held high. I'm stronger than I ever was though change still comes very slowly.

I haven't tweeted in days, but it doesn't matter. It is my own to use as I wish.

I still don't have the answers of where I am going in life--but I'm enjoying the ride: and I'm ready to face what may come. Though the world will tear me down a thousand times I will build myself again a thousand and one--stronger evey time. A hero exists in all of us and sometimes we are the only ones who can save ourselves. Many of our stories become intertwined threads...some break and some hold strong but we must not ever let our own strings fall apart so much that we can't put them back together again.

My dark side would say I'll do what I want, consequences be damned. My light side of course says I always care and will do what I can to make the world a better place. Who am I? The hero or the villain?

We wear many faces in our lifetime, I choose to wear mine, flaws and all. They show where I've been and remind me to be mindful to help me reach wherever I decide to go. Life is about journeys and also about reinvention. I choose not to let it define me, but to let me define it.

Everything Else is Prologue

Just sitting here listening to Pandora radio.   Waiting for something better to come along.   That seems to be what I've been doing lately--a whole lot of waiting.  Not much has changed in life these days, aside from the way I've been thinking about myself.

I'm still currently jobless, bored, and a bit unmotivated to change those things at least for the day.

I'm over time breaking my record for sleeping late into the day.  I probably slept 12 hours give or take.  That isn't exactly the key for being productive.  I don't mind being so unproductive when I haven't yet found something to push me into it.  I check the job listings, not as often as I need to but I check them and apply for everything I could see myself doing.  Opportunities are slim some days, but I'll eventually get the motivation I need.

Things in my mind are great.  Breakdowns have been manageable.  I've given up on being worried, stressed and co-dependent.  I'm just trying to make my own way, which is still a mystery to me.  I'll make whatever mistakes I need to make in order to find myself and find the path I need to be on.

I've sadly lost a lot of friends a long the way in my life, recently attempted to re-connect with a few and reach out to a few new ones.  It is nice to talk some days, other days I still remain anti-social, but that's okay.  That's me, a part of me, and I can deal with it however I like. 

I need to find something to do today.  I'm considering following the path of the Samurai, at least for Monster Hunter Tri, and maybe a bit of it in my life.  Video games are a welcome distraction for when I'm playing them to play instead of trying to fill a void.

There isn't really so much a void anymore--I don't feel empty, I feel more complete, more at peace than I have been in years.  I accept myself more for who I am instead of who I want to be or how other people see me.  I can make myself into a stronger person, but I'm still just me.  We too often in our lives let outside influences define who we are.  I've let too many other people define me, but I'm backing away from that. 

The world is best faced with a whole heart and not someone who is trying to fight the pieces he doesn't like. 

Currently I don't have much going on--I've been watching more Heroes, and I've been listening to Wizard's First Rule for hours at night, and I've been catching up with friends when I can.

Other than that I've been contemplating if Captain America is a better hero than Superman, as Captain America would never renounce his U.S. citizenship. 

I think my story in this world is still unfolding, just beginning--everything else is prologue. My past cannot be changed, my future hasn't happened, and as for me currently living in the moment, the present, I have the power to shape the future while never forgetting the past and where I came from.

An Email to Myself

Dear Jim,

 

Ever since I decided to set up email posting via blogger yesterday I have been wanting to try it out.  It seems like an interesting concept, though at the same time very similar to the actual posting of such things. 

 

I also set up text posting though I'm not quite sure how to use it to its fullest as I always use twitter, which serves the same purpose.

 

Life carries on much as it has done for a while, though I feel the clouds themselves have no power over me.  I have to say I enjoy the rain, especially a light rain when it truly indicates how alive you feel.  The pouring rain isn't so bad even when you get caught without an umbrella, after all you may get soaked with bad emotions but you still get the chance to dry later.  Discomfort like that and in life is only temporary, unless of course you decide that it is more.

 

I've been listening to Wizard's First Rule via audiobook lately, and I have to say I enjoy it when I don't always feel the desire to read as my poor eyes aren't what they used to be.  My ears aren't that great either, but they are always open even when I am about to drift off into sleep.  We can close our eyes to the horrors of the world, and we can try to cover our ears, though bad things can still seep through the cracks we cannot seal.

 

I am living in the year 2011, but it feels as if I've been living in 2004 for about 7 years now.  Perhaps I broke a mirror and it trapped me in a time where I did not want to change who I was.  Every year I grow older to the outside world, yet inside I still feel much the same.  Life changes and I feel as if I haven't noticed the changes within me changing with the seasons. 

 

I finally did what I had been meaning to do, just say down and got it over with--and it didn't even take as long as previously imagined.  I'm just happy to have gotten it done, and now for a few moments of peace & prosperity.  I hope to talk to again dear Jim, I'll keep you posted on how everything in life is going.

 

Sincerely You,

James Travers Kane

Untitled Title

I'll have to admit I started feeling so bad today that I didn't think I would post anything at all.  I'm forcing myself to write this actually, just to see what words I put into print.

Today was a tiring day and I'll have to say it was a very emotional day.  I won't go into details...but have you ever been told something by someone that was hurtful only because it was true?  I often have such a low opinion about myself that when other people actually point things out to me I already know it tends to cause a bad emotional reaction.  I'm not sure what causes it, if it is the depression or just some form of chemical imbalance.  I have moments where I just feel like I am falling apart and have no control over anything whatsoever.

Going how I was going this moment hit me hard today.  I know everyday can not be sunshine and I knew this moment would come.  I am going to be okay I realize, as tomorrow is another day.  But I know I must make changes about certain things.

I may find myself heading back to my former dead end job, but temporarily of course.  No power in this verse can stop the winds of change.  Times they are a changing and dark days do not have to last.

[+1]

Another day, I had almost forgotten what day it was to be honest.  Another day sleeping in, but I still have a bit of time to be a little productive before the day is out.

I have been continuing my journey into the show of "Heroes" and am now to the end of the first season.  It's quite entertaining and I do love the characters, especially Hiro.

Today was another peaceful day of mind, and I think that is a good start.  I have been telling myself to apply for a certain customer service job, but I continue to procrastinate.  I think if I do get an interview with this place this time will be different.  I've had three failed interviews, but I've never really inspired confidence.  I want the world to see the inward change I feel within myself.  It's nice not carrying around a feeling of selfloathing. 

I have not yet begun to shape the outward world to my liking, but instead have continued to build confidence within myself.  That is such a good feeling and I'm making progress.  Progress is better than stagnation.

Today I purchased a losing lottery ticket (again). And I played a coin dozer and lost all the money I put into it (again).  This was the expected outcome so it wasn't so bad--however I crave the unexpected outcomes that are possible but so obviously hard to repeat.  Like the time I won $500 on a $2 scratch off ticket, or the time I put a few quarters in the dozer and came away with more than $15 in quarters, my pocket was packed full of change.  Those are nice moments, but not typical of gambling.

In other news I bought a cup of crickets (of which I am counting each to determine how close it actually is to 50 as labeled), and my turtle was quite overjoyed to receive an abundant feast.  Though he still had to chase down the ones he chomped on.  It was quite entertaining watching a animal considered slow move very fast. 

I could compare myself to my turtle.  I spent most of time living in my shell, afraid to stick my neck out as that is the easiest way for it to be chopped off.  However I am determined to live more for the moment and less for the past, while being less worried about the future.  It is still good to be mindful of such things, however not racking my brain so much that it prevents clear thought from actually happening.  I feel such a change, I've let go a bit and it feels great to feel so free. 

Maybe I will do what I meant to do today, but at the very least I'm giving myself a strict deadline of midnight tomorrow.  I tend to work better with deadlines. 

Equilibrium

I've been going through a bit of a struggle within myself for a while now.  I've been living my life co-dependently, basically I have been letting other people define me and go with the flow.  I've decided I'm not just going to go with the flow anymore, but actually make my own flow for once.  I'm gonna do what I want.

What I want right now is not to sleep, though it's late and I probably should.  I want to stay awake a little longer and cherish the peacefulness of night, maybe while I listen to some good music.  I spent the better part of the day rebuilding my music library and even expanding--so I've got to learn to take advantage of such things.

I really feel like things are going to be different, I feel like the cloud is beginning to lift a little.  I feel hopeful, and I know that is the way to start.  I'm so sick of just getting by, I want to flourish and have my own personal renaissance. 

I don't think I'm here to just be a follower. I'm here to make my own path--as someone once told me, "You were born an original, don't die a copy."

Bliss comes from within first, so I've decided that is what I need to do.  Today I was perfectly happy and honestly I didn't do anything differently besides deciding to just be happy. 

I know everyday will not be this way, there will still be days when the world feels like it is crashing down on me.  But today is not that day, so that makes this an absolute victory. 

The world keeps spinning as we all trying to hang on.  Sometimes it's a hard thing to do when we feel like we are falling apart.

I don't feel broken today, I actually have a bit of self-respect.  There have been other moments where I thought I would have a turning point--but I was never truly committed.  I want to be now, because change has to come. "I'm getting too old for this shit."

We all can be our own heroes, if we decide to.  I'm not happy with the way my life is--but guess what? I have the power to change it. 

And now I'm sleepy...

ZZZZZZzzzzz....

Shiny Redemption

I love technology but hate it when that same technology fails.  I now remind myself never to update my IOS or Itunes.  Updates are not supposed to make your ipod crash and cause you to lose all of your files.  That was just what happened to mine and after I could not get it out of recovery mode on my computer.  I actually had to use a different computer to get it to finally work after several hours of frustration.  I wasn't even considering jailbreaking my ipod before, but after this bad experience it looks like it might be a good fit.

Life marches on otherwise, nothing that exciting to report as of today--it was a rainy day and I ended up watching one of my favorite movies while also chilling out and just relaxing.  The time for action, however; is fast approaching.  I feel I am all out of thoughts today really.

Last night I spent chatting with a good friend as I re added all the apps I had lost.  I put everything back the way it was pretty much--aside from the music collection that I will now how to rebuild.  I have Pandora Radio in the meantime.

Today I am committed to being lazy, though I might just read a little bit.

"Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens." 
— J.R.R. Tolkien (The Fellowship of the Ring)

The Lost Entry

Yesterday or the day before I wrote an entry of how I wanted to escape everything and just start over.  I'm my mind however I'm not so sure that would be the best thing.  I think perhaps the time has come to enjoy the things I've learned and the experiences I've had thus far.

I've not led a bad life. No, not at all.  Went to college, got a degree, tried getting a real job.  Settled for a dead-end job.  Where I work does not define me, only me.  I still know what I need to do: Get a car (sold mine a few years ago) and just see the world a bit better.  I'm never going to have experiences just sitting around playing computer games and remembering how great life used to be.  Or complaining about how my friends have all gone away.  Perhaps this is the time in my life when I can still reinvent myself.  After all "I'm not dead yet."

It would be nice to work for a newspaper again and see if I had what it takes to make it, you sort of lose confidence when places don't hire you even though you thought you did everything right (or write).

My life is still a story with chapters unwritten, challenges yet to unfold--and yet I seem unable to get out of this rut I've been in for the past few years.  It is hard for other people to really believe in you when you don't believe in yourself.

My lost entry was all about escape, but perhaps all I do in my life is escape to begin with--television, movies, books, video games and anything else that takes my mind of life.  I admit I do a lot of sleeping.  All this wasted time and I still seem unable to truly move.

These days keep passing by and everything is changing.  As for me change comes very, very slowly.  Many people I graduated with are leading great lives, holding great careers, starting families and just settling down with a bit more security than I have.

I'm not who I want to be, nor who I need to be.  I need to change myself.  Where do I start?

"All that is gold does not glitter, 
Not all those who wander are lost; 
The old that is strong does not wither, 
Deep roots are not reached by the frost. 

From the ashes a fire shall be woken, 
A light from the shadows shall spring; 
Renewed shall be blade that was broken, 
The crownless again shall be king." 
— J.R.R. Tolkien (The Fellowship of the Ring)

Things Fall Apart

Things fall apart, it is a simple fact of this world.  Sometimes we find ourselves falling apart in our own minds, sometimes our worlds come crumbling down around us--sometimes we have to truly break to put the pieces back together. I heard once that during military training soldiers to be are broken down to be built back up into better soldiers.  Is the same true for the world we live in?  I've found that every time I reach an emotional breakdown I can get back up, but am I changed? Does it make you stronger?

I'm listening to Matchbox Twenty's "Exile on Mainstream" right now and I have to say I really enjoy the majority of these songs.  I think I myself and am an exile from society.

I finished watching Sucker Punch and I have to say it was a good movie.  It might not be something the typical movie goer would enjoy as it was definitely different.  I found the plot to be different from any movie I've seen and I have to say I enjoy the uniqueness.  I won't go as far as to say original as it is pointed out just about anything can be inspired from something else.  Even as writers we pull from all of our experiences without even realizing it. 

I went to sleep last night at 5 in the morning again, next thing I know I wake up at 10 and am wide awake, but I don't get up instead I close my eyes and end up sleeping for 4 more hours.  Oh well.  Life keeps on passing by and one of these days I'm going to learn how to manage my time.

Now I am going to go relax, satisfied I kept up with my quote for blog entries.

Serenity

Today was a good day, it rained in point of fact, and for some reason I don't feel so depressed when it rains--go figure.

I didn't end up watching a movie as I had planned but I have the feeling I will finish the one I was watching when I lie down tonight.  Life has a way of showing you your guardian angels when you need it (this is a reference to the movie Sucker Punch) in many different ways.  I truly feel at peace on a day like today.

I don't even care about being productive and I don't even care about emotions.  I'm purely rational today.  My reason has been locked away for a while and it is time to think a bit more.

I can live within my own mind, and I can deal with reality when I need to.  But the question is why let it worry me?  Worrying about it never made it any simpler nor easier.  In fact it probably multiplied the problem immensely.

I worked a bit on this blog last night and once again got it to where I liked.  Added a title to the actual photo, put 3 ads on instead of the one.  The ads are interesting as they seem to change often.  Almost wish I could have clicked on a few of them (forbidden!).

Write now I am just listening to music and mellowing--I think I will keep mellowing a bit more, thank you and have a nice day.

Dark Horse

Decide that since I was up and already working on this blog, I would formulate a post.  At this moment, I know I don't have many readers.  I'm trying to still remember that this blog is for me so I don't have to write for an audience anyways.  However, I feel my journalistic training kicking in a bit.

I've been depressed all day, most of the time to the point of where I can't even move or think straight.  I made myself sick today being depressed about things I have no real control over.  The fact is I'm tired of being rejected--I feel like the world has rejected me, which makes me feel like a bit of an outcast.  Some rejections hurt more than others, but I know I've got to get over that.  I can't control other people, I only have the power to shape my reactions to those people.  It has been a lonely day, truly lonely--I didn't really get the chance to talk to anyone, which saddens me.

Most likely I'm going to spend the rest of this night, err into morning watching movies.  I've discovered a few that seem interesting enough.  I truly feel I need to find some real life friends, as it seems to be hard enough keeping up with my Internet friends who seem non-existent and some points.  I'm hanging out with a long lost real friend on Monday, and I'm making plans with another.

My job search is sluggish, it is hard going after a job when the market is small and you don't truly believe in yourself.  My problems are I have no faith nor confidence in my own self.  I can't see how people could actually just like me; as in previously stated I feel much like a social outcast.

I think I've gotten sucked into the Internet world a bit too much and maybe the time has come to live in reality again.  The reality where I don't spend hours on the net, but the reality where maybe I delve into a book, or watch a movie.  I can't remember the last time I watched my favorite movie in length without taking in other distractions.

Honestly I don't think the Internet will miss me so much as I was never popular on social media or anything like that to begin with.

Tomorrow I think I will go out around my neighborhood with a camera and see if anything in life is worth capturing.  Maybe, maybe not.  Since I am spending so much time awake it may be difficult to wake up at a decent time.

Option #2 If I do not go out I will find 3 blogs to read and make friends with the authors of those blogs.  There might even be a chance I end up doing both.

Alright, it's movie time, I'm laying down my fedora now.

"Leaving on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again."

Well it seems as if my Digg feed is acting up and shrinking itself so I have removed it for now--either I'm going to try it again or post a link.  I really liked the idea of having it on my site though.

I've decided I need a break from everything, especially the Internet. I'm still going to be using the net and all that, I just won't be as noticeable aside from here on the blog, and my posts may be a bit shorter.  The twitter feed may still got a lot of traffic.  I just need a break...maybe I will delve into a book for a while as nothing I've been doing has been helping to fight my negative emotions off. 

Blogging is still good therapy, and I think I might try to find some other peoples blogs to read and to make friends with--it worked on livejournal and bloggers are a bit more open to new people than are facebookers.  I need to meet some new people while at the same time writing a new chapter in my own life.

I'm almost 30 and yet I haven't done all that much in my life of note.  I went to school, got a degree and yet I haven't been able to make anything of myself.  A lot of times I feel like a miserable wreck of a person, not even fully functional the way some people are.  Maybe I'm cursed.  It seems when I form relationships with people they tend to wither, maybe I'm toxic somehow?  Most people never could deal with me being honest about my emotions.  Most people who don't have depression never really understand what it truly means.  I get up in the morning, and lately I get up in the evening and I just feel like shutting the whole world away.

When I do try to open up and talk to people, really talk often I find that I am snubbed in some way--usually they are too busy with their own lives, or they just don't know what to say.  People say the only person who can make you happy is you, and while that may be true it hasn't gotten any easier through the years.

Life shouldn't be so unlivable....

I thought I was on the way up yesterday and today I find myself lower than I was, locking myself away in my mind--guard fully up, not really wanting to let people in.  I've learned through the years letting people in doesn't end that well.

I'm one person to the world, and another to those who really know me.  Few people really know me, because few people really take the time. 

I'm a bit reserved and I'm a bit depressed and who wants a friend like that?

People only want shiny happy people for friends, not people with issues.  Maybe this is why I'm a bit more reclusive than I used to be.  Ugh....people are stupid.

On the Upswing

There are very few positive moments in being depressed--on occasion I have the habit of feeling lower than low.  Despite being down there is still a positive--how I feel when I start rising back up and actually realize it.  At my highest point I tend to be more productive and generally my mind starting thinking positively.  From positive thinking I tend to become more creative overall.  Currently I am planning on launching a second blog--this one purely for writing and writing prompts.  I'm not sure when I will actually start, but probably very soon.

Tomorrow I'm going to go see about a job, not the job I want but the job I need to pay bills.  Blogging isn't going to be paying my bills anytime soon, but perhaps one day I could be a professional blogger or at least make a bit more money with writing than I am now.  I've always been told I had skills in the written word, but the important thing is proving it to myself.  Sometimes a job just has to be a job out of need because sadly we can't get everything we want.  However, I'm open to things that can surprise me and help me grow not only as a writer but as a person. I will be a writer all my life and the important thing is to hold the passion, not making money at it.  I'm not sure what my purpose on earth is, but I doubt it has anything to do with making money.

Also the Netflix prices went up and I'm not all that happy about it.  Just another thing in the world that takes something previously affordable and good and messes it up.  I wish that I could come up with an idea that could make millions of people happy and yet I didn't get greedy and try to make even more money.  Maybe movies are a thing of the past--maybe it is time to go back to reading books.

You can tell I'm feeling better when I say today was not simply uneventful, and that everything has its purpose at least in my mind.  The more I get up and do the same thing everyday the more I get pushed into the decision to change and make life better.  I've got to grow up and mature a little bit, which has turned into a slow process for me.

I'm happy just to be writing I realize, and I'm happy to have a few people along for the ride who desire to read.  Not everyone desires to read everything I have to write--but I still have twitter for my scatterbrained thoughts, which give the general idea.  Social media is something that has become a part of our lives.  Another way the Internet takes an idea of keeping in touch, but sometimes puts us a little too in touch perhaps.

Sometimes I write just to write, free thought/ free writing are wonderful things and help us explore things we would not otherwise have thought of about ourselves.  Every world brings us closer to that mystery that is our soul--but it would take a lifetime to truly know ourselves I guess.

I played around on Google+ and will most likely be updating my account to this site as well.  I don't truly need it as I have blogger and twitter, which are the prime combination for me.  (Not to mention Digg when my mind is curious) but in order to explore the world outside of me it would be nice for keeping in touch and meeting new people.  I hope that it allows me to meet new people.  I could meet tons of new friends on myspace, but on facebook every time I tried to add someone random they would think me a creep.  Another way social media is flawed, I don't want to just chat with all the people I know already--I want to expand my horizons as well.  It is always good to keep in touch with people of note--most of my people of note will already be reading this as I've been quite selective of who I've actually given my blog link to.

I think I might try a bit of Wii sports tonight, I'm feeling a bit more active today.  I might even go for a walk, take some photos, try something new.  My downfall is my unproductive routine.  Most days the most productive thing I do all day is sit down for a period of time and write out a blog.  Most everything else just seems to be time passing. The problem with time passing is there is never enough time to spare when the clocking is ever counting down.
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On the blog page today I have added the option to follow me directly as previously only you could follow by email.  I also recently posted a poll regarding Google+ but will stop posting polls if nobody truly takes an interest.  As always my twitter feed is located at the top of the blog under the blog photo, and the Digg feed is located at the bottom of the page.  Thank you, and have a very nice day.
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Depressing as depressions

I can't shake this overwhelming feeling of depression I have today.  These rain clouds over my head never seem to truly want to go away.  I'd like for once to be just a little bit happy, but most days I'm not sure if I can.  I'm feeling just like a nobody, and maybe that is who I am in the sense of the world.  I can't seem to dig myself out of the rut I'm in and it makes me wonder if I ever will truly feel alive.

Nothing productive today...but I was entertained by the game on my iPod called Gun Bros.  Jut another way to forget reality I suppose.  Reality seems to sink me like a stone often and keep me in the rut.  I want to do greater things, but I wonder if I can will myself to do those things.

I've been trying out Google+ a bit more and while it is slow going it will be my social media, should I decide I want a social media at all.  I might keep a small profile with this google name, and will most likely be keeping a name for people who know me in real life as well.  I haven't decided as well.  Online friends for this name, people I know for the other?  The good thing about my profile with this name is I get to be somebody else for a while.  I like going by a different name, being anonymous basically.  Plus I like how much control Google+ gives over the information I send and receive.

It is apparent that I will never be using this blog for business, so I am contemplating taking down my one ad that so far hasn't paid a cent.  It begs the question of how many people actually click on ads, probably not all that many really.

The best thing about my experiences thus far, it has given me the chance to learn a bit more of Blogger, and like all Google products it tends to be superior at least in my mind.

I decided to change my browser as well to Google Chrome, I'm showing my support for you Google!

I might make a few more tweaks to my blog as I feel in a better state of mind.  I've come to enjoy writing like this and a bit of practice is a good thing.  I have to write everyday or I'd truly go crazy.  Today is just an off day, I don't think any one thing triggered me feeling this way.

Thankfully I have Twitter for my incoherent thoughts and Digg to explore the world a bit more closely that just what is on the surface of things.

I wonder if I am really cut out for social media, anti-social media perhaps, but I'm going to give it one more go with google+ and should I get bored, I've still got my blog and my tweets, which seem to fit my personality a bit more anyways.

I might go out and post my blog address somewhere, but I'm not sure where yet.  I'm as always a work in progress.

Google + invites

Comment with your email to get yours.  I will delete your comment after I send your invite to keep your privacy.

Feel free to check out my blog while your here, thanks.

Revolution

I took a few pills to help me sleep last night as I wasn't getting to bed otherwise and I ended up sleeping a long time.  When I finally awoke, no Internet.


Having no Internet for a few hours made me realize how dependent on it I am, and the rest of society as well.  I had flashbacks to a South Park episode about the Internet. I was going crazy and being bored just not having it for a few hours as I seem to depend on it for all my entertainment and information as well as just keeping in touch with the rest of the world.  I use it everyday for hours upon hours a day, and it makes me wonder--how did I become so invested in something that didn't exist that long ago?  I spent several hours trying to fix the router/modem myself by myself with basically just unplugging them and plugging them back in.  The cure-all for technology in theory.  Finally realizing I wasn't going to be able to fix the problem myself I was forced to call my internet provider.  From that call I talked to a computerized voice for about 10 minutes until I talked to an actual person--for which a solution was found.

I used the internet for email, for blogging(yeah!), for music and even for movies....and many of my favorite games use the net in some way.  Perhaps it is an addiction, I remember first getting on the Internet to where this big whole magical world was opened up to me--unlimited knowledge at your finger tips, and it has evolved since then to include just about everything.  AOL was the big service when I first signed on for the first time--and I still use AOL instant messenger but not many of the people I know do anymore. 

Today was a wasteful day, yet again getting nothing productive done.  I started reading an ebook on how to use google blogger, maybe I will learn something new that will help me by leaps and bounds.

I can't seem to shake my current feeling of depression, and I still can't seem to escape my rut--I am so stuck...spinning my tires in the mud and never really getting anywhere.  Time to figure out how to think outside the box....now where did I put that box?

A little bit at a time

Another view from where I grew up.

It hasn't been a good day (yesterday technically) though I thought I would write a bit to get my mind off my mind so to speak.

Life has a way of playing with your emotions I believe, telling you one thing and giving you another.  Sometimes I feel like I let my emotions get the best of me and given into Terry Goodkind's Wizard Rule #3: "Passion rules reason."  Too often our emotions get the best of our rationing abilities and beat us down a bit.  Yesterday was one of those days. 

Today it is late and I am still awake, and alone with my thoughts for a while.  I'm listening to music, not wanting to sleep for I do not want to face the next day but instead fix all the problems I have in my world.

Life is complicated....a little too complicated just to live everyday.  Sometimes I wonder if I follow in the footsteps of my genetic past, where depression and other issues seem to exist.  I try to overcome, but my demons still get the best of me at times.  We all have our own individual demons, but it seems mine like to weigh me down and try and keep me down every day or so. 

In other news, I'm happy with the way my blog looks--I haven't yet made any money through google adsense but you never know.  The blog is important to me, precious to me (yesss, my preciousss). And there should be a place where my once creative mind can once again exist, and thrive.  Not only do I enjoy writing and photography, I enjoy layout as many journalists do.  I've been skimping a bit of the editing part {so if you see any mistakes please point them out and I will give you an imaginary cookie}

I often find myself wondering what mark I will leave on the world--or if I will make a mark at all.  I feel that even if I make a difference in one persons life I will have done something. 

I feel like I've lost a lot of myself and hope to get the chance to find me again.

Bonus Blog

I've been playing around with my blog for a while today and it made me feel very productive.  Rediscovering my passion for writing has really started the wheels turning again, and I'm really enjoying playing around on blogger with all the different options and features.

I added to the about me feature and even posted one of my favorite photos of myself.  I tried writing several bios and after several attempts ended up with the current one I have--it is still a little rough around the edges.

I'm having a little trouble with the twitter app--when opening twitpics it opens them in the small box provided for tweets and I was hoping it would open in an external window instead.  I may have to search for a new twitter gadget. 

Another thing I added was google adsense, which means I can make cash off the advertisements provided when people visit them.  I'm not allowed to actually click on them myself, so hopefully I won't accidentally do so.  It would be nice to earn a little cash, even if I made $1 I think I would be happy.

Right now instead of forming another blog just for reviews I think I may experiment with a few reviews here on this blog and see where I want to take it.  The sky is the limit.

I think it would be a dream job to be a professional blogger however, so thankfully I'm trying this out, and I'm considering opening up a facebook account just to advertise for the blog and to try to get people reading. 

I'm curious as to how long it will take before I start showing up in search engines.  Time will tell I'm sure, until then I'm just going to have fun.