First Day

Today was my first day back at work, and I'll admit I was dreading it and probably thinking the worst.  It definitely wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.  I got to do the actual position I wanted all day and that was awesome after it had been taken away from me last year for no reason other than someone higher on the totem pole wanted it.  It was nice being back in fact--it was fast paced, we were busy almost all day.  I felt pain but I pushed through it and tapped into my Zen reserve as I'm calling it.

 

After all at this job I'm a mercenary, it isn't my passion but it pays the bills mostly.  It is bearable until something better comes along.  I'm making it a point to still look for that something better to come along every morning before work.  I do need a change to quote the popular line from the Lethal Weapon movies, "I'm getting too old for this shit."  Dead-end jobs not really my favorite, but I plan on making myself looking very good there before I find something new.  Now starts my new work PR campaign lol.

 

In other news I went to bed before 11 last night and woke up at 6am...not a fan of the whole 6am deal.

 

I'm going to try to leave some LJ comments for everyone when I get around to it, but if I get a little lax I do apologize.  I've gotta get readjusted, but today was proof that I can handle it better than I ever could.  It's so much better doing things when I for once have some self-esteem and take like as it comes, rolling with the punches.

 

Farewell for now LJ and Blogger--if anyone still reads this on Blogger I'll be surprised as I think my one fan disappeared a while back :-P

Independently Alone

"Watching" firefly in the background as I write this. Was listening to music and I needed a change of pace.  It's been a slow day for journaling and twittering--it seems like everyone I know is out somewhere living their lives.  It's the weekend after all and I'm sure many people are having a great time.  I need to get more friends who like to do things to break me out of my anti-social-ness.

 

Got my av cable for my ipod and it plays videos from netflix and youtube as well as whatever else I put on the actual ipod, or stream to it.  Music just puts up a black screen but plays music.  The games unfortunately won't show as I'd have hoped and they play like music.  I'll have to try to jailbreak the ipod later and see if I can mirror it.  Otherwise it is a great purchase at $15 with shipping and everything.  It's great for watching netflix or even youtube for that matter.  If you have an ipod and want a cheap AV cable I recommend the Belkin F8Z361tt06-P, as I wasn't about to pay full price for the Apple version.  Good deal and worth it.

 

I feel sleepy, I might take a nap later and just try to sleep all night for once.

 

If you have twitter and haven't added me yet hit me up @quixotichaven

 

Everyone have a wonderful day/night.

When Insomnia Strikes Back

I wasn't feeling so well earlier so I took two melatonin and went to bed at 9PM, however I only ended up sleeping for about three and a half hours. This leaves me lying in bed right now somewhere between being asleep and being awake.

I had so hoped I could correct my sleep schedule before Monday, Monday most likely is going to suck with work...

I find myself pondering all the mysteries of the universe at this point. Just lying here thinking about all the people who have past through my life and all the people who I don't really know anymore. It saddens me. Sometimes I wish that my words had the power to bring them all back.

I remember blogging at one time long ago, writing such utterly depressing blogs looking for sympathy. I never want to do that again as it was so selfish of me--I wanted everyone's pity and through that it didn't lead to any form of real connection at all.

I've come a long way since being an "emo kid" as some people would say. I've learned to control my emotions better or at least learned to not let them overwhelm me for days and days. Progress sometimes only happens one day at a time.

I want to have true friendships again, though I've become so anti-social it's so hard to really meet people. Anyone out there interested in becoming email penpals? I'd love to practice writing a bit more with a few of you; while getting to know you better

Life hasn't turned out the way I've wanted it to, I know it is up to me alone to change things, but where do you go when you've lost direction and are spinning about? I want to feel the emotion I feel when learning about someone for the first time and really hitting it off.

I think it may be time for me to attempt a reconnect with the few people I know how to find.

I so very much hate to lose touch; in a world where we have email, Facebook and twitter I have still never felt so disconnected from people. I need to get out and live life a little bit better as "I'm getting too old for this shit."

It's hard transitioning from the world of school where you feel like you can do well without even truly trying to living in a world where the harder you try the more you seem to fall flat on your face.

I want to feel alive, to taste victory, and I want to see the world before it is too late. I feel like I am trapped in a box unable to claw my way out and just feel better.

I'm out of touch and as I said many years ago that still rings true: I am of this world, but not part of it.

I've never really found any place where I truly felt at home, even where I grew up I had my head in the clouds and lived my life chasing stars.

Where do I go from here?

Solitaire

I miss having true connections with people, I've only met a few people I've truly connected with in my life and they could always make me feel better just by talking to them.  It seems all of them have moved on to bigger or better things, all of those things not involving me.

 

It depresses me that I lost my best friend a few years back and I haven't seen him or heard from him since and I couldn't even imagine how to find him as he's very adamant about not having any form of social media and he's not one just to put his name out there.  Best guy friend I ever had as every other time in my life I've connected better with women on a friendship level.

 

Feeling a little lonely and wishing I had more friends or anything to do really.  Sometimes I just wish I had someone to write to on a daily basis.  Journaling helps but it just isn't the same as a real conversation when you need it.

 

Was waiting on my AV cord today that never came; I think the mailman only runs on days he feels like it.  I just hope I get it before Monday so that leaves only tomorrow. 

 

I wasn't really feeling so depressed today, but right now I do. 

 

I tried intergrating twitter with the LJ and it just didn't work as I was tweeting like crazy.

 

I wish I had some junk food :(

Push

It seems I missed posting an entry yesterday.  I do hate it when I fall so far behind that I forget to do things I'd like to do everyday.

I spent yesterday tweeting and watching Smallville--up to season 7 and I swear even though I'm only a few seasons in I have a crush on the supergirl character.

I've discovered that if I post random movie quotes via twitter with the appropriate tags that I get followers and people who retweet--I'm going to test my theory accordingly.

I swear I go from periods of time to where everyone wants to talk to me, to where nobody wants to--there never seems to be an in between and I so hate losing out on good conversation.

Listening to Matchbox 20 currently and probably spent five minutes trying to untangle my earbuds to do so.

I've been in a weird mood lately and perhaps my currently blog entry is probably going to read like a string of tweets instead of being cohesive.

I work Monday, and I'll regret later not acquiring a new job, but for now I'm just going to wing it.  

Now comes the time to go around catching up a bit with everyone, hello everyone!

So wordpress absolutely refuses to accept my email posting, so I've decided that I probably will not be using it anymore.  I've got my LJ and my Blogger and that's all I need.  The blogger being the only one with the potential to earn me money while the LJ being the only one anyone will actually read--go figure.  Very unfortunate that I can't combine the two.

Passion Rules Reason

Wizard's Third Rule: "Passion Rules Reason, for better or for worse."

 

I have to say that this rule often applies in my case.   Often in being quixotic I tend to let my emotions lead me rather than my actual mind.  There is much strength to be found in reason and acting rationally, but when I see something I desire I often do not wish to accept that which is unattainable.  In life by going by feelings rather than both feelings and reason I've gone down paths that have ultimately been left to failure.  How many bridges burn and how many friendships lost due to unrequited love?  I'm not sure I have an answer.  But it's just too bad.  Somewhere along the way of failing so much I built the wall just a little high.  Something would come along and knock it down and I'd put it up again just a little bit higher.

 

"If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be.  Now put foundations under them." ~Thoreau

 

The reality is that the reality of the world may never be is good as the world I imagine in my own mind.  I'd have to say I believe in karma, but the question is where did I go wrong that I can't figure out what to do with my life?  I'm content with my world for now, but it could be so much greater.  I just don't know where to turn in order to change things.  I've been looking in my mind for many years for the answer but I can only conclude that the answer is somewhere out in the world.  It doesn't help to seek an answer when you can't go out in find it. 

 

Last night I felt depressed and after I consumed a large helping of Doritos I discovered that perhaps it was do to blood sugar issues.  I should probably go to the doctor again, when I can afford to do so as I stand at high risk for diabetes--firstly it is hereditary, and also I don't diet and exercise like I should, plus when I get in a depressed mood I often stress eat in order to try to fill up a void.

 

Something has got to change.  I'm not sure if I'm supposed to go back to work tomorrow as I've called the second time for no answer and I was told previously the 29th so that is the date I'm going with unless they call me and tell me otherwise.  I left a voicemail.  I'm currently on unemployment and food stamps due to being unable to find a job--but truthfully even if I dislike my job I'd rather be working instead of just receiving those.  I'm still very much in the red and the lack of money to pay bills is at a critical level.

 

I've been playing the game of nationstates twice a day every day and I feel like my nations are doing quite well.  My oldest and greatest being Palidor where despite my own political beliefs I decided to outlaw political freedom.  It is deemed a "Father Knows Best State" and I think that perhaps this is how I will run my own country someday, or perhaps the world.  Giving a large amount of civil liberties and yet cutting out an actual political system as the system has been doing quite crappy for its citizens as of late.

 

I got the game Siege Hero the other day for my ipod and I've been playing it frequently enough to unlock all the gamecenter achievments but one.  Currently ranked #2,782 out of 807, 451 people.  Game play is parellel to angry birds as you are trying to knock down castles or "sieges" in attempt to crush the enemy characters as well as to not harm the captive peasants on levels that have peasants.  It doesn't have a slingshot like angry birds but instead you just tap a place on the castle and fire.  So very addicting and it is still free if you have an ipod/iphone.

 

Right now I'm going to find something to do, my eyes start hurting after staring at a computer screen for too long, so a quick rest is in order and then onto livejournal comments.

 

"You can't stop the signal"

The Waning of an Overexhausted Mind

It seems I have been struck down all of a sudden with the feeling of overwhelming depression.  I feel it is important for me to document these cases as they occur to better understand the fluctuation of my moods. 

 

The thing is my brain is a very funny thing sometimes and I don't understand it at all when if fall into this mood with not anything truly setting me off.  When I hit a period of constant depressing thoughts I often fall into total oblivion within myself, eventually the only thing that can bring me out of it is something resembling a nervous breakdown.  After I hit that very low point I tend to snap back into a better mood very quickly.

 

My mind often feels as if there has been a fog placed over it where it is impossible to truly think clearly.  Writing has become one of the clearest ways I've found to force thought.

 

I'm very tired today, my mind especially and I feel like I need to go to bed very early.  I don't want to go to bed but I'm not sure I have much choice with my zombie-like feelings.

 

I'm not sure if anyone will even read this or want to reply to it--but if you do I thank you in advance for your compassion.

 

Good night everyone, it is my hope that I will be more of myself tomorrow.

Hope in a Box

I'm reminded of how much I truly enjoy forming connections with people and how they are so rare in my life.  I especially enjoy very long conversations that I never want to end.  I won't go into details as the involved party will probably be the only one who gets this.  It's something I felt I need to mention as my blogs are about things that are important to me.

 

I've found that often when I write blog entries or even when I just talk there are still parts of me that I never let anyone see or open up to anyone about.  I learned a long time ago to never put myself too far out there or really let anyone into the depths.  Pain is not something I care to deal with on a daily basis.

 

The question I ask myself often is "Am I strong enough to be who I want to be?"  I hope that someday I find the answer to that question.  I keep learning about new parts of me and I've learned I don't hate myself like I used to think I did.  Depression tends to tell our minds the lies of a thousand insults.

 

I have hope for the future and hope everything will work out in my favor eventually.  I've got to remember to always keep a positive attitude even on the worst days when the world falls in around me.

 

Today I don't feel that way, today has been a good day and I've caught myself smiling more often than usual.

 

I have my reasons for doing so, but that is something reserved.

 

I enjoy waking up everyday and learning something new.  I think my childhood wonder is still in there somewhere, which means so is my creativity. 

 

Hope is rekindled.

 

Have you ever had days when you just wanted to move to a new place and start all over?  Maybe take a chance, sink or swim.  There have been many chances in my life left untaken and the past cannot be fixed only the present, which will alter the course of the future.

 

So I called the bossman and didn't get anything but the voicemail.  Left a message but I have no idea when I go back to work.  I'm not sure if I actually care or not.  They definitely need to get their dates straight.

 

Listening to Pandora radio and that reminded me of the one thing that didn't escape Pandora's box in mythology: Hope :-)

Just a Day

It seems my gmail inbox has been filling up with email notifications from twitter and livejournal, and I have to say I kinda like it.  It's nice being able to have conversations with random people and I've already met so many wonderful people; who I hope to form closer bonds with.  I love it so much here I am writing about it.

 

I didn't sleep so well last night and played Siege Hero until I got totally stuck on a level where I can't seem to even win at all, let alone get the gold crown.  Beat the first half of it anyways and it is very much like Angry Birds, though I didn't have to pay a cent for it.  I love getting free Ipod apps of note.  Some I've paid for I don't even play that much.  But, as I was saying I didn't sleep so well and found myself lying in bed even though despite having taken melatonin.  Sometimes it makes me very drowsy and sometimes it has no effect whatsoever.

 

I woke up late, again, and I'm parents came for a visit.  It is always nice seeing them and we went out to Wendy's and then to a couple shops around town--I didn't buy anything and the heat got to me and made me feel a bit ill.  I hate hot days like that.

 

After the trip around town we came back to my house and watched Unknown, which I found to be enjoyable though it still didn't have as much action as Taken, which is what I heard one review said it had more than.  Good movie, after that I convinced them to watch an episode of Deadliest Warrior, I think they liked it--it was the George Washington vs. Napoleon episode.  I enjoyed it too as I hadn't seen it.

 

Now I am just chilling and thinking.  I'm feeling like everyone is busy tonight as twitter just isn't as hopping as usual.  That gives me time to catch up with livejournal.  My strategy is I reply to most comments my LJ inbox tells me about and then I go through popping up entries that seem like I could leave a nice comment on, then I try to make as many comments of note I can.  I'd like to apologize to any LJ friends I've missed so far, I really like leaving comments and being involved in the conversation. 

 

The journey of self-discovery continues, sometimes I learn things about myself that surprise me as different people tend to show me another side to me, or bring out different personality traits.  I most times respond to the emotions around me and I generally start feeling whatever emotion it is.  Not sure if that makes sense or not.

 

Tomorrow I've gotta call the boss man and find out if I work a week from now or a couple of days.  Again I'm dedicated to just making my money and going home as this is a job, not a career.  One of these days I will be lucky enough to get a career, I just hope it doesn't take me 10 years. 

 

I'd like to conclude by saying, not every day is full of bliss, but the majority of my days aren't filled with sorrow either.  Alot of days are just days, and living with depression at times that is what I am lucky enough to get.  I do enjoy when things go my way, when I have power over my own destiny or can help shape the world around me, but some days I've just gotta go with the flow, let chance or fate decide and hope with all my heart that my boat doesn't flip over. So goes life.

Muy Caliente

Did I spell that right? No bother as who needs grammar after all--not me in entries anyways.

 

It is so very hot today and I didn't realize how hot I was until I felt like I was beginning to cook.  The AC just never keeps up and we have a backup in the window that we have to crank on just to make the temp bearable.  It is so lovely being in a room where I don't feel like I am cooking like a Thanksgiving turkey.  I'm sure lying on a leather couch doesn't help much either.  Going to hate the electric bill, but love the AC. Blasted government monopolied electric company,

 

Been tweeting and conversing via tweet--fun stuff that twitter but I'm not going to go as crazy as I was before. 

 

I'm glad I'm back on livejournal as well and I've already met many interesting people--livejournal is probably the reason I love twitter anyways as twitter is just micro-blogging, meeting strangers and hopefully getting to know them.  LJ was always a bit deeper than that and coming back to it always feels like coming home--don't know when I first started using it but it was years ago and I'm still friends with the person who introduced me to it in the first place.

 

I think I've decided if I ever get together enough money to travel abroad, the first place I am going to travel is the UK, I think that would be a really enjoyable trip and I wouldn't have to learn another language to visit.  I especially want to tour Scotland and see some of the English Countryside.  I've meet so many interesting people from the UK on twitter already and I hope to meet more.

 

This is another day where I haven't done all that much.  I've got to remember to call my employer on Monday as I think the boss man told me the wrong day to come back, per usual.  Not looking forward to it but I need to money to get out of the red.  I tend to be in the red even when I'm working, so goes life. 

 

At the very least I'm alive--I'm not prospering but I've got the essentials and a few of the luxuries, someday I'll get my job as an aspiring journalist--but who is willing to hire someone who can't seem to break into the business?  I've been out of school 5 years come December and so far many attempts and nonody has desired to hire me. It might also be that I'm very introverted and the hire people who are simply more outgoing.

 

I'm just trying to be more content with what I have, it never seemed to help when I was always worried about not being as good as everyone else.

Introspective Inspection

I'd have to say I really enjoy blogging, even though I haven't had anything exciting to say for a while now.  Just examining my life has been enjoyable, and blogging is definitely better than therapy.  Everyone is a little crazy I believe, I know I have my quirks--I do things I regret or sometimes say things that don't make any sense to the outside world.  I pride myself in being random and living life in a Quixotic Haven.

I've been determined not to play the fool in my own life story, but instead the hero who rights wrongs wherever he can.  Some days I feel like I've stumbled off my path a bit, going with things I feel passionately about instead of letting reason rule as it should.  "Passion Rules Reason." as a rule of course. 

I very much would like to take a trip and visit some place new, some place more interesting than my current surroundings. Life's too short and it gets just a little bit shorter when you're short on cash, and in a little bit more debt than you want to be.  Going in debt to pay for an education is to be expected, but at the same time if I were easier to find a good job I might dig myself out of the financial hole.  Sadly money matters--some people have too much and don't even know what to do with it all.  

Personally I always thought knowledge more important than wealth, but the way the world works tells me otherwise.  Hence why I choose to live in my own little world.  At least when I'm blogging I don't have to answer to any other authority for while--just my own, my own ramblings.

So I now have a livejournal again, and I'm looking forward to developing some bonds and friendships with people--I've always loved reading about the stories of others as they were always so much more interesting than my own.  I like that I can post one email from anywhere and it posts simultaneously to blogger, livejournal, and even wordpress on occasion when wordpress isn't being dumb.  All the posts when they post are delayed and I'm not checking to make sure it posts this time so it will have to go on faith.  

I went out on twitter overload so I've back off on being so crazy and talking so much.  I like having followers but sadly I've only gotten to really talk to a handful of them.  Some tweets have gotten a little more scandalous than others on my side of things so I'm going to have to remember that everyone on the internet can see such things.  I've after all got to maintain a positive image, to a point.  Otherwise I just want to be myself, I'm a bit of an average joe in most respects, but unique in other things.  I appreciate originality in people and I generally do my own thing, whatever that might be.

I have a bit of fun when I can as well.  I'm going to post my 1000th tweet on twitter at some point tonight I think, I only have a handful of them to go--plus of course it helps when I have conversations on there with people, which I love to do.  I've gotta get some more followers without getting sucked into the social media vortex where it becomes all consuming to the point where I tweet about everything and never really live life.

"I have my moments, not many of them but I do have them."  

Life is about living after all, and as far as I know I only have the one life to live.

Everything's #Shiny

Today has been a day in a half already.  I woke up at 5am and played around with the idea of getting out of bed for a few hours.  The dog finally convinced me to get up and let him out, only he wouldn't go out and was being stubborn.  He just kept looking at me but wasn't telling me what he wanted, so I suppose he just wanted a little loving.

 

The majority of my day was actually spent watching tv, listening to music and generally tweeting about everything.  I've fallen in love with twitter I admit and I didn't quite understand it a week or so ago.  Glad that opened up for me.  I've actually met a lot of interesting people and had some good conversations so far--I hope to have a lot more, and hopefully I'm not bugging anyone as much as I try to talk to people.

 

The one thing I noticed about twitter is there are a lot of people using auto-tweet programs and posting random things like advertisements.  I had to unfollow a whole lot of them.  Before I was used to following more people than were follow me.  I just don't like my twitter feed clogged up with spam I guess.

 

Originally I was going to post a blog about Twitterific vs. Tweetbot, but I found I preferred Twitterific until I discovered Twitbird, which is my absolute favorite twitter ipod app at present.  It just has a lot more features, a better design, I can even find people close to me geographically. That's always fun.

 

In other news #shiny is my new tag when I tweet, I'll tweet it usually when I'm saying something nice or something I think is absolutely brilliant. The world pertains to the Serenity/Firefly series if you were wondering.  "Everything's shiny captain."

 

I feel so tired today I haven't done anything productive, but it has been quite relaxing.  I've got to enjoy every moment as the grind is coming back soon, work work work.  I prefer sleep, sleep, sleep. 

 

I'm getting back in the blogging habit, though I am looking forward to the time when I have a real event to blog about.  My life is a bit dull somedays so it is nice hearing other peoples stories.

 

#Shiny

 

 

 

Twitter Addiction and other Business

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

 

I have to face facts, I think I am beginning to develop a twitter addiction.  Just the other day I was just randomly posting a barrage of thoughts and it improved by leaps and bounds when I actually started talking to people and following them.  In the real world when you follow someone it tends to be called stalking, in the twitter world is accept and encouraged--fancy that.  I've had some very interesting conversations and met some really interesting people.  Up for a little more than a 100 tweets three days ago to now more than 500, and I'm looking forward to even more.  I never really dove in until now.

 

My inter-linking blogs are now complete, and this post will be another test as wordpress misfired the last time.  If I'm free tomorrow I expect I will try to find some Livejournal friends.

 

If you are my twitter friends you may have noticed I talk about Mello Yello a lot, I find it interesting as Mello Yello is following me on twitter and I've loved that soda since I was a kid.  It brings back a lot of memories.  In fact I tend to love the majority of Coca-Cola products, even bought a sweet hat with Coke reward points.  I love Coca-Cola for several reasons, it is a regional favorite first of all, so I grew up drinking various sodas from the company and have a lot of childhood memories centered around it.  Secondly I got a scholarship from them while in college that helped ease the massive pile of student loans that was piling up.  Consider me Team MelloYello!!!

 

In retrospect, I haven't really done all that much today outside of playing nationstates, sleeping til 1PM, drinking 1/3 a liter of a MelloYello, and just generally chatting on Twitter.  Where does the day go honestly?  Why does time often slip away so easily?

 

My summer and seasonal lay-off is almost over, so very soon I will be back in the grind.  But I will never forget this lovely summer as I feel like I've grown up a lot more than the past few years I've been out of college.  Funny how the mind works--it's hard to dig out of a rut, and I'll admit I'm not out yet but I'm most certainly still climbing.

A True Quixotic Haven

So I typed the name of my blog in the other day and I got two results concerning myself: one was my actual blog over on blogger and the other was my nationstates nation.

This got me thinking I could go for a little more exposure. I already have a quixotichaven twitter that I've been using frequently, but I decided I wanted a few more blogs to host my same content. Hence the addition of Livejournal and Wordpress.  I've had pleasant experiences with livejournal in the past and I'm definitely ready to try out wordpress. Blogger is my current favorite so we'll see if a little friendly competition helps out.

I've setup email posting so now writing a blog is as easy as just writing an email. It's a sweet setup. Perhaps the triple exposure will bring some actually cash-flow into my blogger. At the very least I hope to meet some new people. It'll be fun playing around with livejournal as well once again.

Blogging to me is not only about expressing my opinion and writing a bit but also about making connections with others through those words.

A writer has to write and I'm a writer and a journalist. I don't have a newspaper so I prefer to head to my own forum--my quixotic haven, now my quixotic empire!

This is my first entry for livejournal and wordpress so hello new blogs, I'm still keeping the old one :)

Browncoat For Life

I'm trying to write this from a different email account--hopefully it will work out well.

 

I've been doing a lot of thinking as of late, more passive than active thinking.  I've been wondering whatever happened to all those moments that have passed me by.  I have trouble remembering a year ago, let alone more, but sometimes things come along that remind me.  Sometimes we miss out on moments and all we can do is let go of the past in order to move on.  I've been robbed of emotions lately ever since I decided not to feel as depressed I haven't worried or even cared really about anything.  I still have desires unfulfilled, but they can't hurt me as they once could as I'm living more for the moment.

 

I still have a very vivid imagination despite not writing as much as I once did, and I still like writing emails even though I rarely do anymore.  I'm on an island within myself just going where I need to go for me.  I go with the flow for the most part, at least until the flow starts actually getting to me.  So far the flow hasn't went all that many places, but I hope adventures will come.

 

I still hold on to hope for things to go the way I want--so far I haven't gotten everything I've wanted but I've been content with everything I have.  I want to rock the boat a little bit, and maybe I just will.

Changing Changes

It seems my blog posts are becoming less and less frequent.  I would love to write more, but it seems the world has pulled me into distraction.

For me it has become less about social media and more about being social.  I've found an interest in Skype and Google Voice, to talk to old and new friends on the phone--it's weird for me as I'm not that big of a voice personality.   Or at least I wasn't until now--it feels nice getting compliments on my accent. 

I've lost track with a few friends sadly but I hope to get back in touch at some point, or maybe they'll come looking for me as it is nice being missed.

I've been getting reaquainted with the game Monster Hunter Tri, and I realize I'm still decent at it after a long absence. 

The other game I've been playing is a game called nationstates, where I have refounded my nation of Palidor and refounded the old region of Avalon.  It's quite fun being able to vote on political issues even though I'm not as political as I once was--I'd call myself more of  libertarian independent.

Life continues to go on, and wed is the 8am meeting I knew was coming; it'll be over quick enough and I'm not dreading it like years past.  The fact is my job will never define who I am unless I let it.

Work is work, and I can't escape a dead-end job just because I have a college degree--I must do instead what I have to in order to survive.  I will change it, in my mind I know it is time for a change; I've just got to make that happen.

My mind feels more complete and yet I remain a procrastinator.  Sometimes things have to find a way to push us in order to make things happen.

Duality

I am two different people...I play the hero but also the villain.  I am human and often find myself giving into my own selfish desires. I do what I can to be a good person, but I'm not often able to resist temptation.

I find often I have a void to fill and don't often fill it with what I need to. For years I would eat to fill the empty place. Then several weeks ago I discovered how to control it with pure willpower.

I live my life for pleasure and find pleasure in many things, is that the recipe for a fulfilled life or a recipe for disaster.

My depression has gone from a raging bull to a timid little field mouse. I haven't had a breaking or felt depressed for several days, since I last wrote about it in point of fact.

I return to work very soon and though the job is just a job--I will have my head held high. I'm stronger than I ever was though change still comes very slowly.

I haven't tweeted in days, but it doesn't matter. It is my own to use as I wish.

I still don't have the answers of where I am going in life--but I'm enjoying the ride: and I'm ready to face what may come. Though the world will tear me down a thousand times I will build myself again a thousand and one--stronger evey time. A hero exists in all of us and sometimes we are the only ones who can save ourselves. Many of our stories become intertwined threads...some break and some hold strong but we must not ever let our own strings fall apart so much that we can't put them back together again.

My dark side would say I'll do what I want, consequences be damned. My light side of course says I always care and will do what I can to make the world a better place. Who am I? The hero or the villain?

We wear many faces in our lifetime, I choose to wear mine, flaws and all. They show where I've been and remind me to be mindful to help me reach wherever I decide to go. Life is about journeys and also about reinvention. I choose not to let it define me, but to let me define it.