Just sitting here listening to Pandora radio. Waiting for something better to come along. That seems to be what I've been doing lately--a whole lot of waiting. Not much has changed in life these days, aside from the way I've been thinking about myself.
I'm still currently jobless, bored, and a bit unmotivated to change those things at least for the day.
I'm over time breaking my record for sleeping late into the day. I probably slept 12 hours give or take. That isn't exactly the key for being productive. I don't mind being so unproductive when I haven't yet found something to push me into it. I check the job listings, not as often as I need to but I check them and apply for everything I could see myself doing. Opportunities are slim some days, but I'll eventually get the motivation I need.
Things in my mind are great. Breakdowns have been manageable. I've given up on being worried, stressed and co-dependent. I'm just trying to make my own way, which is still a mystery to me. I'll make whatever mistakes I need to make in order to find myself and find the path I need to be on.
I've sadly lost a lot of friends a long the way in my life, recently attempted to re-connect with a few and reach out to a few new ones. It is nice to talk some days, other days I still remain anti-social, but that's okay. That's me, a part of me, and I can deal with it however I like.
I need to find something to do today. I'm considering following the path of the Samurai, at least for Monster Hunter Tri, and maybe a bit of it in my life. Video games are a welcome distraction for when I'm playing them to play instead of trying to fill a void.
There isn't really so much a void anymore--I don't feel empty, I feel more complete, more at peace than I have been in years. I accept myself more for who I am instead of who I want to be or how other people see me. I can make myself into a stronger person, but I'm still just me. We too often in our lives let outside influences define who we are. I've let too many other people define me, but I'm backing away from that.
The world is best faced with a whole heart and not someone who is trying to fight the pieces he doesn't like.
Currently I don't have much going on--I've been watching more Heroes, and I've been listening to Wizard's First Rule for hours at night, and I've been catching up with friends when I can.
Other than that I've been contemplating if Captain America is a better hero than Superman, as Captain America would never renounce his U.S. citizenship.
I think my story in this world is still unfolding, just beginning--everything else is prologue. My past cannot be changed, my future hasn't happened, and as for me currently living in the moment, the present, I have the power to shape the future while never forgetting the past and where I came from.
This is the place I come to be with my thoughts. To remember where I come from and to imagine where I'm going. We cannot change the past but we can change the future.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
An Email to Myself
Dear Jim,
Ever since I decided to set up email posting via blogger yesterday I have been wanting to try it out. It seems like an interesting concept, though at the same time very similar to the actual posting of such things.
I also set up text posting though I'm not quite sure how to use it to its fullest as I always use twitter, which serves the same purpose.
Life carries on much as it has done for a while, though I feel the clouds themselves have no power over me. I have to say I enjoy the rain, especially a light rain when it truly indicates how alive you feel. The pouring rain isn't so bad even when you get caught without an umbrella, after all you may get soaked with bad emotions but you still get the chance to dry later. Discomfort like that and in life is only temporary, unless of course you decide that it is more.
I've been listening to Wizard's First Rule via audiobook lately, and I have to say I enjoy it when I don't always feel the desire to read as my poor eyes aren't what they used to be. My ears aren't that great either, but they are always open even when I am about to drift off into sleep. We can close our eyes to the horrors of the world, and we can try to cover our ears, though bad things can still seep through the cracks we cannot seal.
I am living in the year 2011, but it feels as if I've been living in 2004 for about 7 years now. Perhaps I broke a mirror and it trapped me in a time where I did not want to change who I was. Every year I grow older to the outside world, yet inside I still feel much the same. Life changes and I feel as if I haven't noticed the changes within me changing with the seasons.
I finally did what I had been meaning to do, just say down and got it over with--and it didn't even take as long as previously imagined. I'm just happy to have gotten it done, and now for a few moments of peace & prosperity. I hope to talk to again dear Jim, I'll keep you posted on how everything in life is going.
Sincerely You,
James Travers Kane
Untitled Title
I'll have to admit I started feeling so bad today that I didn't think I would post anything at all. I'm forcing myself to write this actually, just to see what words I put into print.
Today was a tiring day and I'll have to say it was a very emotional day. I won't go into details...but have you ever been told something by someone that was hurtful only because it was true? I often have such a low opinion about myself that when other people actually point things out to me I already know it tends to cause a bad emotional reaction. I'm not sure what causes it, if it is the depression or just some form of chemical imbalance. I have moments where I just feel like I am falling apart and have no control over anything whatsoever.
Going how I was going this moment hit me hard today. I know everyday can not be sunshine and I knew this moment would come. I am going to be okay I realize, as tomorrow is another day. But I know I must make changes about certain things.
I may find myself heading back to my former dead end job, but temporarily of course. No power in this verse can stop the winds of change. Times they are a changing and dark days do not have to last.
Today was a tiring day and I'll have to say it was a very emotional day. I won't go into details...but have you ever been told something by someone that was hurtful only because it was true? I often have such a low opinion about myself that when other people actually point things out to me I already know it tends to cause a bad emotional reaction. I'm not sure what causes it, if it is the depression or just some form of chemical imbalance. I have moments where I just feel like I am falling apart and have no control over anything whatsoever.
Going how I was going this moment hit me hard today. I know everyday can not be sunshine and I knew this moment would come. I am going to be okay I realize, as tomorrow is another day. But I know I must make changes about certain things.
I may find myself heading back to my former dead end job, but temporarily of course. No power in this verse can stop the winds of change. Times they are a changing and dark days do not have to last.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
[+1]
Another day, I had almost forgotten what day it was to be honest. Another day sleeping in, but I still have a bit of time to be a little productive before the day is out.
I have been continuing my journey into the show of "Heroes" and am now to the end of the first season. It's quite entertaining and I do love the characters, especially Hiro.
Today was another peaceful day of mind, and I think that is a good start. I have been telling myself to apply for a certain customer service job, but I continue to procrastinate. I think if I do get an interview with this place this time will be different. I've had three failed interviews, but I've never really inspired confidence. I want the world to see the inward change I feel within myself. It's nice not carrying around a feeling of selfloathing.
I have not yet begun to shape the outward world to my liking, but instead have continued to build confidence within myself. That is such a good feeling and I'm making progress. Progress is better than stagnation.
Today I purchased a losing lottery ticket (again). And I played a coin dozer and lost all the money I put into it (again). This was the expected outcome so it wasn't so bad--however I crave the unexpected outcomes that are possible but so obviously hard to repeat. Like the time I won $500 on a $2 scratch off ticket, or the time I put a few quarters in the dozer and came away with more than $15 in quarters, my pocket was packed full of change. Those are nice moments, but not typical of gambling.
In other news I bought a cup of crickets (of which I am counting each to determine how close it actually is to 50 as labeled), and my turtle was quite overjoyed to receive an abundant feast. Though he still had to chase down the ones he chomped on. It was quite entertaining watching a animal considered slow move very fast.
I could compare myself to my turtle. I spent most of time living in my shell, afraid to stick my neck out as that is the easiest way for it to be chopped off. However I am determined to live more for the moment and less for the past, while being less worried about the future. It is still good to be mindful of such things, however not racking my brain so much that it prevents clear thought from actually happening. I feel such a change, I've let go a bit and it feels great to feel so free.
Maybe I will do what I meant to do today, but at the very least I'm giving myself a strict deadline of midnight tomorrow. I tend to work better with deadlines.
I have been continuing my journey into the show of "Heroes" and am now to the end of the first season. It's quite entertaining and I do love the characters, especially Hiro.
Today was another peaceful day of mind, and I think that is a good start. I have been telling myself to apply for a certain customer service job, but I continue to procrastinate. I think if I do get an interview with this place this time will be different. I've had three failed interviews, but I've never really inspired confidence. I want the world to see the inward change I feel within myself. It's nice not carrying around a feeling of selfloathing.
I have not yet begun to shape the outward world to my liking, but instead have continued to build confidence within myself. That is such a good feeling and I'm making progress. Progress is better than stagnation.
Today I purchased a losing lottery ticket (again). And I played a coin dozer and lost all the money I put into it (again). This was the expected outcome so it wasn't so bad--however I crave the unexpected outcomes that are possible but so obviously hard to repeat. Like the time I won $500 on a $2 scratch off ticket, or the time I put a few quarters in the dozer and came away with more than $15 in quarters, my pocket was packed full of change. Those are nice moments, but not typical of gambling.
In other news I bought a cup of crickets (of which I am counting each to determine how close it actually is to 50 as labeled), and my turtle was quite overjoyed to receive an abundant feast. Though he still had to chase down the ones he chomped on. It was quite entertaining watching a animal considered slow move very fast.
I could compare myself to my turtle. I spent most of time living in my shell, afraid to stick my neck out as that is the easiest way for it to be chopped off. However I am determined to live more for the moment and less for the past, while being less worried about the future. It is still good to be mindful of such things, however not racking my brain so much that it prevents clear thought from actually happening. I feel such a change, I've let go a bit and it feels great to feel so free.
Maybe I will do what I meant to do today, but at the very least I'm giving myself a strict deadline of midnight tomorrow. I tend to work better with deadlines.
Equilibrium
I've been going through a bit of a struggle within myself for a while now. I've been living my life co-dependently, basically I have been letting other people define me and go with the flow. I've decided I'm not just going to go with the flow anymore, but actually make my own flow for once. I'm gonna do what I want.
What I want right now is not to sleep, though it's late and I probably should. I want to stay awake a little longer and cherish the peacefulness of night, maybe while I listen to some good music. I spent the better part of the day rebuilding my music library and even expanding--so I've got to learn to take advantage of such things.
I really feel like things are going to be different, I feel like the cloud is beginning to lift a little. I feel hopeful, and I know that is the way to start. I'm so sick of just getting by, I want to flourish and have my own personal renaissance.
I don't think I'm here to just be a follower. I'm here to make my own path--as someone once told me, "You were born an original, don't die a copy."
Bliss comes from within first, so I've decided that is what I need to do. Today I was perfectly happy and honestly I didn't do anything differently besides deciding to just be happy.
I know everyday will not be this way, there will still be days when the world feels like it is crashing down on me. But today is not that day, so that makes this an absolute victory.
The world keeps spinning as we all trying to hang on. Sometimes it's a hard thing to do when we feel like we are falling apart.
I don't feel broken today, I actually have a bit of self-respect. There have been other moments where I thought I would have a turning point--but I was never truly committed. I want to be now, because change has to come. "I'm getting too old for this shit."
We all can be our own heroes, if we decide to. I'm not happy with the way my life is--but guess what? I have the power to change it.
And now I'm sleepy...
ZZZZZZzzzzz....
What I want right now is not to sleep, though it's late and I probably should. I want to stay awake a little longer and cherish the peacefulness of night, maybe while I listen to some good music. I spent the better part of the day rebuilding my music library and even expanding--so I've got to learn to take advantage of such things.
I really feel like things are going to be different, I feel like the cloud is beginning to lift a little. I feel hopeful, and I know that is the way to start. I'm so sick of just getting by, I want to flourish and have my own personal renaissance.
I don't think I'm here to just be a follower. I'm here to make my own path--as someone once told me, "You were born an original, don't die a copy."
Bliss comes from within first, so I've decided that is what I need to do. Today I was perfectly happy and honestly I didn't do anything differently besides deciding to just be happy.
I know everyday will not be this way, there will still be days when the world feels like it is crashing down on me. But today is not that day, so that makes this an absolute victory.
The world keeps spinning as we all trying to hang on. Sometimes it's a hard thing to do when we feel like we are falling apart.
I don't feel broken today, I actually have a bit of self-respect. There have been other moments where I thought I would have a turning point--but I was never truly committed. I want to be now, because change has to come. "I'm getting too old for this shit."
We all can be our own heroes, if we decide to. I'm not happy with the way my life is--but guess what? I have the power to change it.
And now I'm sleepy...
ZZZZZZzzzzz....
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Shiny Redemption
I love technology but hate it when that same technology fails. I now remind myself never to update my IOS or Itunes. Updates are not supposed to make your ipod crash and cause you to lose all of your files. That was just what happened to mine and after I could not get it out of recovery mode on my computer. I actually had to use a different computer to get it to finally work after several hours of frustration. I wasn't even considering jailbreaking my ipod before, but after this bad experience it looks like it might be a good fit.
Life marches on otherwise, nothing that exciting to report as of today--it was a rainy day and I ended up watching one of my favorite movies while also chilling out and just relaxing. The time for action, however; is fast approaching. I feel I am all out of thoughts today really.
Last night I spent chatting with a good friend as I re added all the apps I had lost. I put everything back the way it was pretty much--aside from the music collection that I will now how to rebuild. I have Pandora Radio in the meantime.
Today I am committed to being lazy, though I might just read a little bit.
"Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens."
— J.R.R. Tolkien (The Fellowship of the Ring)
Life marches on otherwise, nothing that exciting to report as of today--it was a rainy day and I ended up watching one of my favorite movies while also chilling out and just relaxing. The time for action, however; is fast approaching. I feel I am all out of thoughts today really.
Last night I spent chatting with a good friend as I re added all the apps I had lost. I put everything back the way it was pretty much--aside from the music collection that I will now how to rebuild. I have Pandora Radio in the meantime.
Today I am committed to being lazy, though I might just read a little bit.
"Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens."
— J.R.R. Tolkien (The Fellowship of the Ring)
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
The Lost Entry
Yesterday or the day before I wrote an entry of how I wanted to escape everything and just start over. I'm my mind however I'm not so sure that would be the best thing. I think perhaps the time has come to enjoy the things I've learned and the experiences I've had thus far.
I've not led a bad life. No, not at all. Went to college, got a degree, tried getting a real job. Settled for a dead-end job. Where I work does not define me, only me. I still know what I need to do: Get a car (sold mine a few years ago) and just see the world a bit better. I'm never going to have experiences just sitting around playing computer games and remembering how great life used to be. Or complaining about how my friends have all gone away. Perhaps this is the time in my life when I can still reinvent myself. After all "I'm not dead yet."
It would be nice to work for a newspaper again and see if I had what it takes to make it, you sort of lose confidence when places don't hire you even though you thought you did everything right (or write).
My life is still a story with chapters unwritten, challenges yet to unfold--and yet I seem unable to get out of this rut I've been in for the past few years. It is hard for other people to really believe in you when you don't believe in yourself.
My lost entry was all about escape, but perhaps all I do in my life is escape to begin with--television, movies, books, video games and anything else that takes my mind of life. I admit I do a lot of sleeping. All this wasted time and I still seem unable to truly move.
These days keep passing by and everything is changing. As for me change comes very, very slowly. Many people I graduated with are leading great lives, holding great careers, starting families and just settling down with a bit more security than I have.
I'm not who I want to be, nor who I need to be. I need to change myself. Where do I start?
"All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king."
— J.R.R. Tolkien (The Fellowship of the Ring)
I've not led a bad life. No, not at all. Went to college, got a degree, tried getting a real job. Settled for a dead-end job. Where I work does not define me, only me. I still know what I need to do: Get a car (sold mine a few years ago) and just see the world a bit better. I'm never going to have experiences just sitting around playing computer games and remembering how great life used to be. Or complaining about how my friends have all gone away. Perhaps this is the time in my life when I can still reinvent myself. After all "I'm not dead yet."
It would be nice to work for a newspaper again and see if I had what it takes to make it, you sort of lose confidence when places don't hire you even though you thought you did everything right (or write).
My life is still a story with chapters unwritten, challenges yet to unfold--and yet I seem unable to get out of this rut I've been in for the past few years. It is hard for other people to really believe in you when you don't believe in yourself.
My lost entry was all about escape, but perhaps all I do in my life is escape to begin with--television, movies, books, video games and anything else that takes my mind of life. I admit I do a lot of sleeping. All this wasted time and I still seem unable to truly move.
These days keep passing by and everything is changing. As for me change comes very, very slowly. Many people I graduated with are leading great lives, holding great careers, starting families and just settling down with a bit more security than I have.
I'm not who I want to be, nor who I need to be. I need to change myself. Where do I start?
"All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king."
— J.R.R. Tolkien (The Fellowship of the Ring)
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Things Fall Apart
Things fall apart, it is a simple fact of this world. Sometimes we find ourselves falling apart in our own minds, sometimes our worlds come crumbling down around us--sometimes we have to truly break to put the pieces back together. I heard once that during military training soldiers to be are broken down to be built back up into better soldiers. Is the same true for the world we live in? I've found that every time I reach an emotional breakdown I can get back up, but am I changed? Does it make you stronger?
I'm listening to Matchbox Twenty's "Exile on Mainstream" right now and I have to say I really enjoy the majority of these songs. I think I myself and am an exile from society.
I finished watching Sucker Punch and I have to say it was a good movie. It might not be something the typical movie goer would enjoy as it was definitely different. I found the plot to be different from any movie I've seen and I have to say I enjoy the uniqueness. I won't go as far as to say original as it is pointed out just about anything can be inspired from something else. Even as writers we pull from all of our experiences without even realizing it.
I went to sleep last night at 5 in the morning again, next thing I know I wake up at 10 and am wide awake, but I don't get up instead I close my eyes and end up sleeping for 4 more hours. Oh well. Life keeps on passing by and one of these days I'm going to learn how to manage my time.
Now I am going to go relax, satisfied I kept up with my quote for blog entries.
I'm listening to Matchbox Twenty's "Exile on Mainstream" right now and I have to say I really enjoy the majority of these songs. I think I myself and am an exile from society.
I finished watching Sucker Punch and I have to say it was a good movie. It might not be something the typical movie goer would enjoy as it was definitely different. I found the plot to be different from any movie I've seen and I have to say I enjoy the uniqueness. I won't go as far as to say original as it is pointed out just about anything can be inspired from something else. Even as writers we pull from all of our experiences without even realizing it.
I went to sleep last night at 5 in the morning again, next thing I know I wake up at 10 and am wide awake, but I don't get up instead I close my eyes and end up sleeping for 4 more hours. Oh well. Life keeps on passing by and one of these days I'm going to learn how to manage my time.
Now I am going to go relax, satisfied I kept up with my quote for blog entries.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Serenity
Today was a good day, it rained in point of fact, and for some reason I don't feel so depressed when it rains--go figure.
I didn't end up watching a movie as I had planned but I have the feeling I will finish the one I was watching when I lie down tonight. Life has a way of showing you your guardian angels when you need it (this is a reference to the movie Sucker Punch) in many different ways. I truly feel at peace on a day like today.
I don't even care about being productive and I don't even care about emotions. I'm purely rational today. My reason has been locked away for a while and it is time to think a bit more.
I can live within my own mind, and I can deal with reality when I need to. But the question is why let it worry me? Worrying about it never made it any simpler nor easier. In fact it probably multiplied the problem immensely.
I worked a bit on this blog last night and once again got it to where I liked. Added a title to the actual photo, put 3 ads on instead of the one. The ads are interesting as they seem to change often. Almost wish I could have clicked on a few of them (forbidden!).
Write now I am just listening to music and mellowing--I think I will keep mellowing a bit more, thank you and have a nice day.
I didn't end up watching a movie as I had planned but I have the feeling I will finish the one I was watching when I lie down tonight. Life has a way of showing you your guardian angels when you need it (this is a reference to the movie Sucker Punch) in many different ways. I truly feel at peace on a day like today.
I don't even care about being productive and I don't even care about emotions. I'm purely rational today. My reason has been locked away for a while and it is time to think a bit more.
I can live within my own mind, and I can deal with reality when I need to. But the question is why let it worry me? Worrying about it never made it any simpler nor easier. In fact it probably multiplied the problem immensely.
I worked a bit on this blog last night and once again got it to where I liked. Added a title to the actual photo, put 3 ads on instead of the one. The ads are interesting as they seem to change often. Almost wish I could have clicked on a few of them (forbidden!).
Write now I am just listening to music and mellowing--I think I will keep mellowing a bit more, thank you and have a nice day.
Dark Horse
Decide that since I was up and already working on this blog, I would formulate a post. At this moment, I know I don't have many readers. I'm trying to still remember that this blog is for me so I don't have to write for an audience anyways. However, I feel my journalistic training kicking in a bit.
I've been depressed all day, most of the time to the point of where I can't even move or think straight. I made myself sick today being depressed about things I have no real control over. The fact is I'm tired of being rejected--I feel like the world has rejected me, which makes me feel like a bit of an outcast. Some rejections hurt more than others, but I know I've got to get over that. I can't control other people, I only have the power to shape my reactions to those people. It has been a lonely day, truly lonely--I didn't really get the chance to talk to anyone, which saddens me.
Most likely I'm going to spend the rest of this night, err into morning watching movies. I've discovered a few that seem interesting enough. I truly feel I need to find some real life friends, as it seems to be hard enough keeping up with my Internet friends who seem non-existent and some points. I'm hanging out with a long lost real friend on Monday, and I'm making plans with another.
My job search is sluggish, it is hard going after a job when the market is small and you don't truly believe in yourself. My problems are I have no faith nor confidence in my own self. I can't see how people could actually just like me; as in previously stated I feel much like a social outcast.
I think I've gotten sucked into the Internet world a bit too much and maybe the time has come to live in reality again. The reality where I don't spend hours on the net, but the reality where maybe I delve into a book, or watch a movie. I can't remember the last time I watched my favorite movie in length without taking in other distractions.
Honestly I don't think the Internet will miss me so much as I was never popular on social media or anything like that to begin with.
Tomorrow I think I will go out around my neighborhood with a camera and see if anything in life is worth capturing. Maybe, maybe not. Since I am spending so much time awake it may be difficult to wake up at a decent time.
Option #2 If I do not go out I will find 3 blogs to read and make friends with the authors of those blogs. There might even be a chance I end up doing both.
Alright, it's movie time, I'm laying down my fedora now.
I've been depressed all day, most of the time to the point of where I can't even move or think straight. I made myself sick today being depressed about things I have no real control over. The fact is I'm tired of being rejected--I feel like the world has rejected me, which makes me feel like a bit of an outcast. Some rejections hurt more than others, but I know I've got to get over that. I can't control other people, I only have the power to shape my reactions to those people. It has been a lonely day, truly lonely--I didn't really get the chance to talk to anyone, which saddens me.
Most likely I'm going to spend the rest of this night, err into morning watching movies. I've discovered a few that seem interesting enough. I truly feel I need to find some real life friends, as it seems to be hard enough keeping up with my Internet friends who seem non-existent and some points. I'm hanging out with a long lost real friend on Monday, and I'm making plans with another.
My job search is sluggish, it is hard going after a job when the market is small and you don't truly believe in yourself. My problems are I have no faith nor confidence in my own self. I can't see how people could actually just like me; as in previously stated I feel much like a social outcast.
I think I've gotten sucked into the Internet world a bit too much and maybe the time has come to live in reality again. The reality where I don't spend hours on the net, but the reality where maybe I delve into a book, or watch a movie. I can't remember the last time I watched my favorite movie in length without taking in other distractions.
Honestly I don't think the Internet will miss me so much as I was never popular on social media or anything like that to begin with.
Tomorrow I think I will go out around my neighborhood with a camera and see if anything in life is worth capturing. Maybe, maybe not. Since I am spending so much time awake it may be difficult to wake up at a decent time.
Option #2 If I do not go out I will find 3 blogs to read and make friends with the authors of those blogs. There might even be a chance I end up doing both.
Alright, it's movie time, I'm laying down my fedora now.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
"Leaving on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again."
Well it seems as if my Digg feed is acting up and shrinking itself so I have removed it for now--either I'm going to try it again or post a link. I really liked the idea of having it on my site though.
I've decided I need a break from everything, especially the Internet. I'm still going to be using the net and all that, I just won't be as noticeable aside from here on the blog, and my posts may be a bit shorter. The twitter feed may still got a lot of traffic. I just need a break...maybe I will delve into a book for a while as nothing I've been doing has been helping to fight my negative emotions off.
Blogging is still good therapy, and I think I might try to find some other peoples blogs to read and to make friends with--it worked on livejournal and bloggers are a bit more open to new people than are facebookers. I need to meet some new people while at the same time writing a new chapter in my own life.
I'm almost 30 and yet I haven't done all that much in my life of note. I went to school, got a degree and yet I haven't been able to make anything of myself. A lot of times I feel like a miserable wreck of a person, not even fully functional the way some people are. Maybe I'm cursed. It seems when I form relationships with people they tend to wither, maybe I'm toxic somehow? Most people never could deal with me being honest about my emotions. Most people who don't have depression never really understand what it truly means. I get up in the morning, and lately I get up in the evening and I just feel like shutting the whole world away.
When I do try to open up and talk to people, really talk often I find that I am snubbed in some way--usually they are too busy with their own lives, or they just don't know what to say. People say the only person who can make you happy is you, and while that may be true it hasn't gotten any easier through the years.
Life shouldn't be so unlivable....
I thought I was on the way up yesterday and today I find myself lower than I was, locking myself away in my mind--guard fully up, not really wanting to let people in. I've learned through the years letting people in doesn't end that well.
I'm one person to the world, and another to those who really know me. Few people really know me, because few people really take the time.
I'm a bit reserved and I'm a bit depressed and who wants a friend like that?
People only want shiny happy people for friends, not people with issues. Maybe this is why I'm a bit more reclusive than I used to be. Ugh....people are stupid.
I've decided I need a break from everything, especially the Internet. I'm still going to be using the net and all that, I just won't be as noticeable aside from here on the blog, and my posts may be a bit shorter. The twitter feed may still got a lot of traffic. I just need a break...maybe I will delve into a book for a while as nothing I've been doing has been helping to fight my negative emotions off.
Blogging is still good therapy, and I think I might try to find some other peoples blogs to read and to make friends with--it worked on livejournal and bloggers are a bit more open to new people than are facebookers. I need to meet some new people while at the same time writing a new chapter in my own life.
I'm almost 30 and yet I haven't done all that much in my life of note. I went to school, got a degree and yet I haven't been able to make anything of myself. A lot of times I feel like a miserable wreck of a person, not even fully functional the way some people are. Maybe I'm cursed. It seems when I form relationships with people they tend to wither, maybe I'm toxic somehow? Most people never could deal with me being honest about my emotions. Most people who don't have depression never really understand what it truly means. I get up in the morning, and lately I get up in the evening and I just feel like shutting the whole world away.
When I do try to open up and talk to people, really talk often I find that I am snubbed in some way--usually they are too busy with their own lives, or they just don't know what to say. People say the only person who can make you happy is you, and while that may be true it hasn't gotten any easier through the years.
Life shouldn't be so unlivable....
I thought I was on the way up yesterday and today I find myself lower than I was, locking myself away in my mind--guard fully up, not really wanting to let people in. I've learned through the years letting people in doesn't end that well.
I'm one person to the world, and another to those who really know me. Few people really know me, because few people really take the time.
I'm a bit reserved and I'm a bit depressed and who wants a friend like that?
People only want shiny happy people for friends, not people with issues. Maybe this is why I'm a bit more reclusive than I used to be. Ugh....people are stupid.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
On the Upswing
There are very few positive moments in being depressed--on occasion I have the habit of feeling lower than low. Despite being down there is still a positive--how I feel when I start rising back up and actually realize it. At my highest point I tend to be more productive and generally my mind starting thinking positively. From positive thinking I tend to become more creative overall. Currently I am planning on launching a second blog--this one purely for writing and writing prompts. I'm not sure when I will actually start, but probably very soon.
Tomorrow I'm going to go see about a job, not the job I want but the job I need to pay bills. Blogging isn't going to be paying my bills anytime soon, but perhaps one day I could be a professional blogger or at least make a bit more money with writing than I am now. I've always been told I had skills in the written word, but the important thing is proving it to myself. Sometimes a job just has to be a job out of need because sadly we can't get everything we want. However, I'm open to things that can surprise me and help me grow not only as a writer but as a person. I will be a writer all my life and the important thing is to hold the passion, not making money at it. I'm not sure what my purpose on earth is, but I doubt it has anything to do with making money.
Also the Netflix prices went up and I'm not all that happy about it. Just another thing in the world that takes something previously affordable and good and messes it up. I wish that I could come up with an idea that could make millions of people happy and yet I didn't get greedy and try to make even more money. Maybe movies are a thing of the past--maybe it is time to go back to reading books.
You can tell I'm feeling better when I say today was not simply uneventful, and that everything has its purpose at least in my mind. The more I get up and do the same thing everyday the more I get pushed into the decision to change and make life better. I've got to grow up and mature a little bit, which has turned into a slow process for me.
I'm happy just to be writing I realize, and I'm happy to have a few people along for the ride who desire to read. Not everyone desires to read everything I have to write--but I still have twitter for my scatterbrained thoughts, which give the general idea. Social media is something that has become a part of our lives. Another way the Internet takes an idea of keeping in touch, but sometimes puts us a little too in touch perhaps.
Sometimes I write just to write, free thought/ free writing are wonderful things and help us explore things we would not otherwise have thought of about ourselves. Every world brings us closer to that mystery that is our soul--but it would take a lifetime to truly know ourselves I guess.
I played around on Google+ and will most likely be updating my account to this site as well. I don't truly need it as I have blogger and twitter, which are the prime combination for me. (Not to mention Digg when my mind is curious) but in order to explore the world outside of me it would be nice for keeping in touch and meeting new people. I hope that it allows me to meet new people. I could meet tons of new friends on myspace, but on facebook every time I tried to add someone random they would think me a creep. Another way social media is flawed, I don't want to just chat with all the people I know already--I want to expand my horizons as well. It is always good to keep in touch with people of note--most of my people of note will already be reading this as I've been quite selective of who I've actually given my blog link to.
I think I might try a bit of Wii sports tonight, I'm feeling a bit more active today. I might even go for a walk, take some photos, try something new. My downfall is my unproductive routine. Most days the most productive thing I do all day is sit down for a period of time and write out a blog. Most everything else just seems to be time passing. The problem with time passing is there is never enough time to spare when the clocking is ever counting down.
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On the blog page today I have added the option to follow me directly as previously only you could follow by email. I also recently posted a poll regarding Google+ but will stop posting polls if nobody truly takes an interest. As always my twitter feed is located at the top of the blog under the blog photo, and the Digg feed is located at the bottom of the page. Thank you, and have a very nice day.
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Tomorrow I'm going to go see about a job, not the job I want but the job I need to pay bills. Blogging isn't going to be paying my bills anytime soon, but perhaps one day I could be a professional blogger or at least make a bit more money with writing than I am now. I've always been told I had skills in the written word, but the important thing is proving it to myself. Sometimes a job just has to be a job out of need because sadly we can't get everything we want. However, I'm open to things that can surprise me and help me grow not only as a writer but as a person. I will be a writer all my life and the important thing is to hold the passion, not making money at it. I'm not sure what my purpose on earth is, but I doubt it has anything to do with making money.
Also the Netflix prices went up and I'm not all that happy about it. Just another thing in the world that takes something previously affordable and good and messes it up. I wish that I could come up with an idea that could make millions of people happy and yet I didn't get greedy and try to make even more money. Maybe movies are a thing of the past--maybe it is time to go back to reading books.
You can tell I'm feeling better when I say today was not simply uneventful, and that everything has its purpose at least in my mind. The more I get up and do the same thing everyday the more I get pushed into the decision to change and make life better. I've got to grow up and mature a little bit, which has turned into a slow process for me.
I'm happy just to be writing I realize, and I'm happy to have a few people along for the ride who desire to read. Not everyone desires to read everything I have to write--but I still have twitter for my scatterbrained thoughts, which give the general idea. Social media is something that has become a part of our lives. Another way the Internet takes an idea of keeping in touch, but sometimes puts us a little too in touch perhaps.
Sometimes I write just to write, free thought/ free writing are wonderful things and help us explore things we would not otherwise have thought of about ourselves. Every world brings us closer to that mystery that is our soul--but it would take a lifetime to truly know ourselves I guess.
I played around on Google+ and will most likely be updating my account to this site as well. I don't truly need it as I have blogger and twitter, which are the prime combination for me. (Not to mention Digg when my mind is curious) but in order to explore the world outside of me it would be nice for keeping in touch and meeting new people. I hope that it allows me to meet new people. I could meet tons of new friends on myspace, but on facebook every time I tried to add someone random they would think me a creep. Another way social media is flawed, I don't want to just chat with all the people I know already--I want to expand my horizons as well. It is always good to keep in touch with people of note--most of my people of note will already be reading this as I've been quite selective of who I've actually given my blog link to.
I think I might try a bit of Wii sports tonight, I'm feeling a bit more active today. I might even go for a walk, take some photos, try something new. My downfall is my unproductive routine. Most days the most productive thing I do all day is sit down for a period of time and write out a blog. Most everything else just seems to be time passing. The problem with time passing is there is never enough time to spare when the clocking is ever counting down.
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On the blog page today I have added the option to follow me directly as previously only you could follow by email. I also recently posted a poll regarding Google+ but will stop posting polls if nobody truly takes an interest. As always my twitter feed is located at the top of the blog under the blog photo, and the Digg feed is located at the bottom of the page. Thank you, and have a very nice day.
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Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Depressing as depressions
I can't shake this overwhelming feeling of depression I have today. These rain clouds over my head never seem to truly want to go away. I'd like for once to be just a little bit happy, but most days I'm not sure if I can. I'm feeling just like a nobody, and maybe that is who I am in the sense of the world. I can't seem to dig myself out of the rut I'm in and it makes me wonder if I ever will truly feel alive.
Nothing productive today...but I was entertained by the game on my iPod called Gun Bros. Jut another way to forget reality I suppose. Reality seems to sink me like a stone often and keep me in the rut. I want to do greater things, but I wonder if I can will myself to do those things.
I've been trying out Google+ a bit more and while it is slow going it will be my social media, should I decide I want a social media at all. I might keep a small profile with this google name, and will most likely be keeping a name for people who know me in real life as well. I haven't decided as well. Online friends for this name, people I know for the other? The good thing about my profile with this name is I get to be somebody else for a while. I like going by a different name, being anonymous basically. Plus I like how much control Google+ gives over the information I send and receive.
It is apparent that I will never be using this blog for business, so I am contemplating taking down my one ad that so far hasn't paid a cent. It begs the question of how many people actually click on ads, probably not all that many really.
The best thing about my experiences thus far, it has given me the chance to learn a bit more of Blogger, and like all Google products it tends to be superior at least in my mind.
I decided to change my browser as well to Google Chrome, I'm showing my support for you Google!
I might make a few more tweaks to my blog as I feel in a better state of mind. I've come to enjoy writing like this and a bit of practice is a good thing. I have to write everyday or I'd truly go crazy. Today is just an off day, I don't think any one thing triggered me feeling this way.
Thankfully I have Twitter for my incoherent thoughts and Digg to explore the world a bit more closely that just what is on the surface of things.
I wonder if I am really cut out for social media, anti-social media perhaps, but I'm going to give it one more go with google+ and should I get bored, I've still got my blog and my tweets, which seem to fit my personality a bit more anyways.
I might go out and post my blog address somewhere, but I'm not sure where yet. I'm as always a work in progress.
Nothing productive today...but I was entertained by the game on my iPod called Gun Bros. Jut another way to forget reality I suppose. Reality seems to sink me like a stone often and keep me in the rut. I want to do greater things, but I wonder if I can will myself to do those things.
I've been trying out Google+ a bit more and while it is slow going it will be my social media, should I decide I want a social media at all. I might keep a small profile with this google name, and will most likely be keeping a name for people who know me in real life as well. I haven't decided as well. Online friends for this name, people I know for the other? The good thing about my profile with this name is I get to be somebody else for a while. I like going by a different name, being anonymous basically. Plus I like how much control Google+ gives over the information I send and receive.
It is apparent that I will never be using this blog for business, so I am contemplating taking down my one ad that so far hasn't paid a cent. It begs the question of how many people actually click on ads, probably not all that many really.
The best thing about my experiences thus far, it has given me the chance to learn a bit more of Blogger, and like all Google products it tends to be superior at least in my mind.
I decided to change my browser as well to Google Chrome, I'm showing my support for you Google!
I might make a few more tweaks to my blog as I feel in a better state of mind. I've come to enjoy writing like this and a bit of practice is a good thing. I have to write everyday or I'd truly go crazy. Today is just an off day, I don't think any one thing triggered me feeling this way.
Thankfully I have Twitter for my incoherent thoughts and Digg to explore the world a bit more closely that just what is on the surface of things.
I wonder if I am really cut out for social media, anti-social media perhaps, but I'm going to give it one more go with google+ and should I get bored, I've still got my blog and my tweets, which seem to fit my personality a bit more anyways.
I might go out and post my blog address somewhere, but I'm not sure where yet. I'm as always a work in progress.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Google + invites
Comment with your email to get yours. I will delete your comment after I send your invite to keep your privacy.
Feel free to check out my blog while your here, thanks.
Feel free to check out my blog while your here, thanks.
Revolution
I took a few pills to help me sleep last night as I wasn't getting to bed otherwise and I ended up sleeping a long time. When I finally awoke, no Internet.
Having no Internet for a few hours made me realize how dependent on it I am, and the rest of society as well. I had flashbacks to a South Park episode about the Internet. I was going crazy and being bored just not having it for a few hours as I seem to depend on it for all my entertainment and information as well as just keeping in touch with the rest of the world. I use it everyday for hours upon hours a day, and it makes me wonder--how did I become so invested in something that didn't exist that long ago? I spent several hours trying to fix the router/modem myself by myself with basically just unplugging them and plugging them back in. The cure-all for technology in theory. Finally realizing I wasn't going to be able to fix the problem myself I was forced to call my internet provider. From that call I talked to a computerized voice for about 10 minutes until I talked to an actual person--for which a solution was found.
I used the internet for email, for blogging(yeah!), for music and even for movies....and many of my favorite games use the net in some way. Perhaps it is an addiction, I remember first getting on the Internet to where this big whole magical world was opened up to me--unlimited knowledge at your finger tips, and it has evolved since then to include just about everything. AOL was the big service when I first signed on for the first time--and I still use AOL instant messenger but not many of the people I know do anymore.
Today was a wasteful day, yet again getting nothing productive done. I started reading an ebook on how to use google blogger, maybe I will learn something new that will help me by leaps and bounds.
I can't seem to shake my current feeling of depression, and I still can't seem to escape my rut--I am so stuck...spinning my tires in the mud and never really getting anywhere. Time to figure out how to think outside the box....now where did I put that box?
Having no Internet for a few hours made me realize how dependent on it I am, and the rest of society as well. I had flashbacks to a South Park episode about the Internet. I was going crazy and being bored just not having it for a few hours as I seem to depend on it for all my entertainment and information as well as just keeping in touch with the rest of the world. I use it everyday for hours upon hours a day, and it makes me wonder--how did I become so invested in something that didn't exist that long ago? I spent several hours trying to fix the router/modem myself by myself with basically just unplugging them and plugging them back in. The cure-all for technology in theory. Finally realizing I wasn't going to be able to fix the problem myself I was forced to call my internet provider. From that call I talked to a computerized voice for about 10 minutes until I talked to an actual person--for which a solution was found.
I used the internet for email, for blogging(yeah!), for music and even for movies....and many of my favorite games use the net in some way. Perhaps it is an addiction, I remember first getting on the Internet to where this big whole magical world was opened up to me--unlimited knowledge at your finger tips, and it has evolved since then to include just about everything. AOL was the big service when I first signed on for the first time--and I still use AOL instant messenger but not many of the people I know do anymore.
Today was a wasteful day, yet again getting nothing productive done. I started reading an ebook on how to use google blogger, maybe I will learn something new that will help me by leaps and bounds.
I can't seem to shake my current feeling of depression, and I still can't seem to escape my rut--I am so stuck...spinning my tires in the mud and never really getting anywhere. Time to figure out how to think outside the box....now where did I put that box?
A little bit at a time
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| Another view from where I grew up. |
It hasn't been a good day (yesterday technically) though I thought I would write a bit to get my mind off my mind so to speak.
Life has a way of playing with your emotions I believe, telling you one thing and giving you another. Sometimes I feel like I let my emotions get the best of me and given into Terry Goodkind's Wizard Rule #3: "Passion rules reason." Too often our emotions get the best of our rationing abilities and beat us down a bit. Yesterday was one of those days.
Today it is late and I am still awake, and alone with my thoughts for a while. I'm listening to music, not wanting to sleep for I do not want to face the next day but instead fix all the problems I have in my world.
Life is complicated....a little too complicated just to live everyday. Sometimes I wonder if I follow in the footsteps of my genetic past, where depression and other issues seem to exist. I try to overcome, but my demons still get the best of me at times. We all have our own individual demons, but it seems mine like to weigh me down and try and keep me down every day or so.
In other news, I'm happy with the way my blog looks--I haven't yet made any money through google adsense but you never know. The blog is important to me, precious to me (yesss, my preciousss). And there should be a place where my once creative mind can once again exist, and thrive. Not only do I enjoy writing and photography, I enjoy layout as many journalists do. I've been skimping a bit of the editing part {so if you see any mistakes please point them out and I will give you an imaginary cookie}
I often find myself wondering what mark I will leave on the world--or if I will make a mark at all. I feel that even if I make a difference in one persons life I will have done something.
I feel like I've lost a lot of myself and hope to get the chance to find me again.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Bonus Blog
I've been playing around with my blog for a while today and it made me feel very productive. Rediscovering my passion for writing has really started the wheels turning again, and I'm really enjoying playing around on blogger with all the different options and features.
I added to the about me feature and even posted one of my favorite photos of myself. I tried writing several bios and after several attempts ended up with the current one I have--it is still a little rough around the edges.
I'm having a little trouble with the twitter app--when opening twitpics it opens them in the small box provided for tweets and I was hoping it would open in an external window instead. I may have to search for a new twitter gadget.
Another thing I added was google adsense, which means I can make cash off the advertisements provided when people visit them. I'm not allowed to actually click on them myself, so hopefully I won't accidentally do so. It would be nice to earn a little cash, even if I made $1 I think I would be happy.
Right now instead of forming another blog just for reviews I think I may experiment with a few reviews here on this blog and see where I want to take it. The sky is the limit.
I think it would be a dream job to be a professional blogger however, so thankfully I'm trying this out, and I'm considering opening up a facebook account just to advertise for the blog and to try to get people reading.
I'm curious as to how long it will take before I start showing up in search engines. Time will tell I'm sure, until then I'm just going to have fun.
I added to the about me feature and even posted one of my favorite photos of myself. I tried writing several bios and after several attempts ended up with the current one I have--it is still a little rough around the edges.
I'm having a little trouble with the twitter app--when opening twitpics it opens them in the small box provided for tweets and I was hoping it would open in an external window instead. I may have to search for a new twitter gadget.
Another thing I added was google adsense, which means I can make cash off the advertisements provided when people visit them. I'm not allowed to actually click on them myself, so hopefully I won't accidentally do so. It would be nice to earn a little cash, even if I made $1 I think I would be happy.
Right now instead of forming another blog just for reviews I think I may experiment with a few reviews here on this blog and see where I want to take it. The sky is the limit.
I think it would be a dream job to be a professional blogger however, so thankfully I'm trying this out, and I'm considering opening up a facebook account just to advertise for the blog and to try to get people reading.
I'm curious as to how long it will take before I start showing up in search engines. Time will tell I'm sure, until then I'm just going to have fun.
Keeping up
Day 4 of blogging and I have to say I'm starting to enjoy doing it--it gives me something to focus my mind on and the freedom to do whatever I want. I put some pictures of my dog, Duke, up today and maybe tomorrow I'll add some photos of my turtle--who knows. The sky is the limit.
So far while I am sure I haven't formulated much of an audience I've still put up a way to subscribe via email and I've also put up twitter integration. It makes it feel a whole lot sharper and more personal. I'm probably going to add much more--but as the saying so Rome wasn't built in a day. All great things come with time.
So like hasn't been what I've dreamed of up to this point, there is still time to make great changes--to develop, to evolve into the person I want to be.
The world creates many obstacles, but mountains can be moved...and if not moved right away they tend to erode overtime anyways.
Today has been uneventful, got up, been sitting and watching an Indiana Jones marathon on TV, and doing other odd things. Cleaned the back deck as it needed to be cleaned. Yesterday the lawn was cut and I discovered a bounty of grasshoppers. I caught a few and then passed them on to a very hungry and thankful turtle.
I'm considering putting up an ad here on my site to discover if I could make any money from blogging. Even if I made just one dollar that would be very cool. Right now I'm going to add some gadgets and see if I can improve on the layout a bit.
So far while I am sure I haven't formulated much of an audience I've still put up a way to subscribe via email and I've also put up twitter integration. It makes it feel a whole lot sharper and more personal. I'm probably going to add much more--but as the saying so Rome wasn't built in a day. All great things come with time.
So like hasn't been what I've dreamed of up to this point, there is still time to make great changes--to develop, to evolve into the person I want to be.
The world creates many obstacles, but mountains can be moved...and if not moved right away they tend to erode overtime anyways.
Today has been uneventful, got up, been sitting and watching an Indiana Jones marathon on TV, and doing other odd things. Cleaned the back deck as it needed to be cleaned. Yesterday the lawn was cut and I discovered a bounty of grasshoppers. I caught a few and then passed them on to a very hungry and thankful turtle.
I'm considering putting up an ad here on my site to discover if I could make any money from blogging. Even if I made just one dollar that would be very cool. Right now I'm going to add some gadgets and see if I can improve on the layout a bit.
My Dog Duke
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| Duke waits patiently and poses for a picture while I wave a treat above the camera. |
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| Duke stares up at me, still waiting patiently with hunger. |
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| Good boy Duke, you are one handsome devil. |
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| Duke wanders into the kitchen and is confronted with camera flashes. |
Friday, July 8, 2011
Day 3: the end of the world as we know it?
I seem to find myself very unpopular today and I'm not sure why. Yesterday I found myself in great conversations and now it seems like everyone has fallen off the face of the earth. Ever have days where you feel like you are just invisible?
I hate to say it but I need people and today...I have no people, but what I don't understand is why that happens? I can't find anyone at all to talk to, everyone must be out living their lives, while I was stuck at home again. It wasn't a productive day yet again as my job hunting friend did not show up nor did he even text me to tell me what was going on. So...it looks like I'm going to have to start doing things on my own, scary as it might be to someone like myself who is just a little bit co-dependent.
I played Mario Kart, again, and won a few stars though I am now having some trouble gaining the stars in the last two cups. I really want them, but I'm also getting my butt handed to me.
Why did I get up early this morning? It all doesn't make sense now and maybe I should just have gone back to bed. I might be getting a job however, I had a good lead that I was supposed to further...today, but I'm not sure if I want to take the leap. A job is a job when you need money, but I doubt I will find happiness even there.
The blog seems a bit more downgraded compared to my other ones, I guess I am just a little bit off and maybe there is some signal to the rest of the world to avoid me.
I'm not sure how I want to spend the rest of my night, perhaps the night will decide for me eventually. Still...just waiting...
I hate to say it but I need people and today...I have no people, but what I don't understand is why that happens? I can't find anyone at all to talk to, everyone must be out living their lives, while I was stuck at home again. It wasn't a productive day yet again as my job hunting friend did not show up nor did he even text me to tell me what was going on. So...it looks like I'm going to have to start doing things on my own, scary as it might be to someone like myself who is just a little bit co-dependent.
I played Mario Kart, again, and won a few stars though I am now having some trouble gaining the stars in the last two cups. I really want them, but I'm also getting my butt handed to me.
Why did I get up early this morning? It all doesn't make sense now and maybe I should just have gone back to bed. I might be getting a job however, I had a good lead that I was supposed to further...today, but I'm not sure if I want to take the leap. A job is a job when you need money, but I doubt I will find happiness even there.
The blog seems a bit more downgraded compared to my other ones, I guess I am just a little bit off and maybe there is some signal to the rest of the world to avoid me.
I'm not sure how I want to spend the rest of my night, perhaps the night will decide for me eventually. Still...just waiting...
Thursday, July 7, 2011
The blog strikes back
This is the sequel to my first post, and in my mind I would like to begin posting everyday just to capture the full picture of my mind as it changes. I doubt I will keep up that perfection, but there was a time when I posted on a daily blog and sometimes more than once a day.
Life hasn't felt the same as I've grown up, something about everything has lost that childhood wonder as it has given in to the harsh bite of reality. Things were once so simple and everything is magical. I remember watching movies over and over because they were just so good--but as for me now everything seems to have lost its luster, including movies and the video games I play. Reality bites, but in a fantasy world is always where I most felt at home. That world has been lost mainly I believe by things that steal away the imagination. Perhaps it is time to start reading books again as they inspire a bit more than video games.
I've been an utter failure as a creative writer, unable to write even the smallest of stories anymore. It's not that I don't want to, but perhaps that I feel I am unable to live up to expectations, mine and everyone else's. My imagination is small anymore, but my passion to create still remains. I see it when I play certain video games, or when I write. Even if it has dwindled into the smallest bit of ash it can be reignited. I've never been much for writing outside of a scholastic setting, needing to be pushed to do what should come naturally.
Sometimes I wake up so late that I think the day is lost, so I often give in to that fate. Today is not going to be one of those days. I'm dedicated to at least thinking in a productive way if I can't for some reason be productive.
Tomorrow I journey out from my circle of comfort into a greater world, looking for employment and most likely not finding anything that truly interests me. It is a pain that a life costs so much to live. Even with the small things of rent and electricity we can end up in more debt to someone else than we would like.
It's too bad, and again we must find escape where we can--in books, in movies, the internet, in thought, in activities that occupy our minds, or sometimes even in sleeping longer than we should.
Life hasn't felt the same as I've grown up, something about everything has lost that childhood wonder as it has given in to the harsh bite of reality. Things were once so simple and everything is magical. I remember watching movies over and over because they were just so good--but as for me now everything seems to have lost its luster, including movies and the video games I play. Reality bites, but in a fantasy world is always where I most felt at home. That world has been lost mainly I believe by things that steal away the imagination. Perhaps it is time to start reading books again as they inspire a bit more than video games.
I've been an utter failure as a creative writer, unable to write even the smallest of stories anymore. It's not that I don't want to, but perhaps that I feel I am unable to live up to expectations, mine and everyone else's. My imagination is small anymore, but my passion to create still remains. I see it when I play certain video games, or when I write. Even if it has dwindled into the smallest bit of ash it can be reignited. I've never been much for writing outside of a scholastic setting, needing to be pushed to do what should come naturally.
Sometimes I wake up so late that I think the day is lost, so I often give in to that fate. Today is not going to be one of those days. I'm dedicated to at least thinking in a productive way if I can't for some reason be productive.
Tomorrow I journey out from my circle of comfort into a greater world, looking for employment and most likely not finding anything that truly interests me. It is a pain that a life costs so much to live. Even with the small things of rent and electricity we can end up in more debt to someone else than we would like.
It's too bad, and again we must find escape where we can--in books, in movies, the internet, in thought, in activities that occupy our minds, or sometimes even in sleeping longer than we should.
Now it's personal
With the rise of social media I like many people fell prey the sirens of first myspace and then facebook. They pull you in and then offer the chance to keep in touch with your "friends" or merely people you'vde decided to friend for one reason or another. Most people might enjoy such things, but I found them to be empty version of friendship and the most mundane things in peoples lives. Social media encourages you to buy into the idea that it brings you closer together, but from my experience I never felt further apart from people.
I got my start in blogging on the internet when I was a mere lad in high school, on a seemingly now obsolete site called livejournal. Mostly it involved me complaing about my problems and acting like a general emo kid, and I found it fun to have an audience.
The will to write has been in me since I was forming letters on pages, learning to spell, writing short stories, getting good grades on the majority of my written assignments throughout my scholastic career. And of course writing and being able to express myself well through that artform led me to major in journalism in college. This is something I don't regret, though another myth put upon people is that a college degree guarentees you get a career. My string of dead end jobs disproves this theory; I seem to be more down on my luck that most people: or I'm lacking in the motivation.
I feel blogging is key for me now. I've tried many blogs and failed since my original--and I hope that it will not be the case here once again. I have to learn from my failures and know why I failed--I wasn't truly passionate and I gave into the myth that people actually wanted to read what I wrote. This isn't the case either. My primary audience while blogging should be myself, though I am going to try my hand with a business blog that I want people to read, while writing here personally.
I may lack for grammar or punctuation and I'm not going to spell check and will write what comes naturally. I don't want to lack for passion and I want to rediscover everything that makes me alone great as an individual. This is my journey, feel free to read along.
As for my name, my new flagship screen-name. Quixotic derived from Don Quixote, which has several definitions that might apply: (1)extravagantly chivalrous or romantic; visionary, impractical, or impracticable. (2)impulsive and often rashly unpredictable. )( I think the term fits me properly as a person as I do behave in those myriad of ways at times. For the second part of my name "Haven" for this is to be my shelter from the real world and all the pitfalls it provides. Sometimes we as humans just need to get away. Our problems often follow us where we choose to go, but for a moment in our own minds I do believe we can reach some small escape. The world doesn't always work the way I would like, but it is important for my own mind and my soul to work in the fashion I desire.
I'm going to use this blog for introspection and should I decide I need another blog for "emo" purposes I will create one for when my mind goes completely off the fringe. Sometimes we let our emotions overwhelm us and it keeps our world cloudy, which then keeps us from truly getting better until we let it all out.
I'm looking forward to writing more soon but I think for now I have said my peace to put a pun forward.
I got my start in blogging on the internet when I was a mere lad in high school, on a seemingly now obsolete site called livejournal. Mostly it involved me complaing about my problems and acting like a general emo kid, and I found it fun to have an audience.
The will to write has been in me since I was forming letters on pages, learning to spell, writing short stories, getting good grades on the majority of my written assignments throughout my scholastic career. And of course writing and being able to express myself well through that artform led me to major in journalism in college. This is something I don't regret, though another myth put upon people is that a college degree guarentees you get a career. My string of dead end jobs disproves this theory; I seem to be more down on my luck that most people: or I'm lacking in the motivation.
I feel blogging is key for me now. I've tried many blogs and failed since my original--and I hope that it will not be the case here once again. I have to learn from my failures and know why I failed--I wasn't truly passionate and I gave into the myth that people actually wanted to read what I wrote. This isn't the case either. My primary audience while blogging should be myself, though I am going to try my hand with a business blog that I want people to read, while writing here personally.
I may lack for grammar or punctuation and I'm not going to spell check and will write what comes naturally. I don't want to lack for passion and I want to rediscover everything that makes me alone great as an individual. This is my journey, feel free to read along.
As for my name, my new flagship screen-name. Quixotic derived from Don Quixote, which has several definitions that might apply: (1)extravagantly chivalrous or romantic; visionary, impractical, or impracticable. (2)impulsive and often rashly unpredictable. )( I think the term fits me properly as a person as I do behave in those myriad of ways at times. For the second part of my name "Haven" for this is to be my shelter from the real world and all the pitfalls it provides. Sometimes we as humans just need to get away. Our problems often follow us where we choose to go, but for a moment in our own minds I do believe we can reach some small escape. The world doesn't always work the way I would like, but it is important for my own mind and my soul to work in the fashion I desire.
I'm going to use this blog for introspection and should I decide I need another blog for "emo" purposes I will create one for when my mind goes completely off the fringe. Sometimes we let our emotions overwhelm us and it keeps our world cloudy, which then keeps us from truly getting better until we let it all out.
I'm looking forward to writing more soon but I think for now I have said my peace to put a pun forward.
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