Well it seems as if my Digg feed is acting up and shrinking itself so I have removed it for now--either I'm going to try it again or post a link. I really liked the idea of having it on my site though.
I've decided I need a break from everything, especially the Internet. I'm still going to be using the net and all that, I just won't be as noticeable aside from here on the blog, and my posts may be a bit shorter. The twitter feed may still got a lot of traffic. I just need a break...maybe I will delve into a book for a while as nothing I've been doing has been helping to fight my negative emotions off.
Blogging is still good therapy, and I think I might try to find some other peoples blogs to read and to make friends with--it worked on livejournal and bloggers are a bit more open to new people than are facebookers. I need to meet some new people while at the same time writing a new chapter in my own life.
I'm almost 30 and yet I haven't done all that much in my life of note. I went to school, got a degree and yet I haven't been able to make anything of myself. A lot of times I feel like a miserable wreck of a person, not even fully functional the way some people are. Maybe I'm cursed. It seems when I form relationships with people they tend to wither, maybe I'm toxic somehow? Most people never could deal with me being honest about my emotions. Most people who don't have depression never really understand what it truly means. I get up in the morning, and lately I get up in the evening and I just feel like shutting the whole world away.
When I do try to open up and talk to people, really talk often I find that I am snubbed in some way--usually they are too busy with their own lives, or they just don't know what to say. People say the only person who can make you happy is you, and while that may be true it hasn't gotten any easier through the years.
Life shouldn't be so unlivable....
I thought I was on the way up yesterday and today I find myself lower than I was, locking myself away in my mind--guard fully up, not really wanting to let people in. I've learned through the years letting people in doesn't end that well.
I'm one person to the world, and another to those who really know me. Few people really know me, because few people really take the time.
I'm a bit reserved and I'm a bit depressed and who wants a friend like that?
People only want shiny happy people for friends, not people with issues. Maybe this is why I'm a bit more reclusive than I used to be. Ugh....people are stupid.
This is the place I come to be with my thoughts. To remember where I come from and to imagine where I'm going. We cannot change the past but we can change the future.
Your not a miserable person Matt, your anything but. I know how you feel though, I'm very similiar. Very close to 30 years old myself and I don't have much to show for it, but everything in our lives has made us who we are. Your not toxic, toxic people are murderers, child abusers, ect. Your not any of those things, your a good person, very smart and warm hearted. I do know how you feel, alot of days, I just want to hide away, but we are cursed as you as, with depression. It doesn't make us bad people or worthless. We just have more struggles then other people might.
ReplyDeleteIssues or not, I want you as a friend forever, people need to take you as you are, or not at all. And if they don't want to, well, that's their loss.
You are definitely my friend forever Jen, it has been a long time we've known each other--I'm just sorry for all the time we spent not talking.
ReplyDeleteI know I'm not a bad guy, I just have low self-esteem most days and I just wonder what my life will become. It is better just to try to escape into an alternate world. Depression is depressing...
We both need to get out of this habit of thinking bad about ourselves. I think a blog entry about all the things that you like and love about yourself would be a good entry. It might sound corny, but people deserve to know what's good about you :)
ReplyDelete