First Day

Today was my first day back at work, and I'll admit I was dreading it and probably thinking the worst.  It definitely wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.  I got to do the actual position I wanted all day and that was awesome after it had been taken away from me last year for no reason other than someone higher on the totem pole wanted it.  It was nice being back in fact--it was fast paced, we were busy almost all day.  I felt pain but I pushed through it and tapped into my Zen reserve as I'm calling it.

 

After all at this job I'm a mercenary, it isn't my passion but it pays the bills mostly.  It is bearable until something better comes along.  I'm making it a point to still look for that something better to come along every morning before work.  I do need a change to quote the popular line from the Lethal Weapon movies, "I'm getting too old for this shit."  Dead-end jobs not really my favorite, but I plan on making myself looking very good there before I find something new.  Now starts my new work PR campaign lol.

 

In other news I went to bed before 11 last night and woke up at 6am...not a fan of the whole 6am deal.

 

I'm going to try to leave some LJ comments for everyone when I get around to it, but if I get a little lax I do apologize.  I've gotta get readjusted, but today was proof that I can handle it better than I ever could.  It's so much better doing things when I for once have some self-esteem and take like as it comes, rolling with the punches.

 

Farewell for now LJ and Blogger--if anyone still reads this on Blogger I'll be surprised as I think my one fan disappeared a while back :-P

Independently Alone

"Watching" firefly in the background as I write this. Was listening to music and I needed a change of pace.  It's been a slow day for journaling and twittering--it seems like everyone I know is out somewhere living their lives.  It's the weekend after all and I'm sure many people are having a great time.  I need to get more friends who like to do things to break me out of my anti-social-ness.

 

Got my av cable for my ipod and it plays videos from netflix and youtube as well as whatever else I put on the actual ipod, or stream to it.  Music just puts up a black screen but plays music.  The games unfortunately won't show as I'd have hoped and they play like music.  I'll have to try to jailbreak the ipod later and see if I can mirror it.  Otherwise it is a great purchase at $15 with shipping and everything.  It's great for watching netflix or even youtube for that matter.  If you have an ipod and want a cheap AV cable I recommend the Belkin F8Z361tt06-P, as I wasn't about to pay full price for the Apple version.  Good deal and worth it.

 

I feel sleepy, I might take a nap later and just try to sleep all night for once.

 

If you have twitter and haven't added me yet hit me up @quixotichaven

 

Everyone have a wonderful day/night.

When Insomnia Strikes Back

I wasn't feeling so well earlier so I took two melatonin and went to bed at 9PM, however I only ended up sleeping for about three and a half hours. This leaves me lying in bed right now somewhere between being asleep and being awake.

I had so hoped I could correct my sleep schedule before Monday, Monday most likely is going to suck with work...

I find myself pondering all the mysteries of the universe at this point. Just lying here thinking about all the people who have past through my life and all the people who I don't really know anymore. It saddens me. Sometimes I wish that my words had the power to bring them all back.

I remember blogging at one time long ago, writing such utterly depressing blogs looking for sympathy. I never want to do that again as it was so selfish of me--I wanted everyone's pity and through that it didn't lead to any form of real connection at all.

I've come a long way since being an "emo kid" as some people would say. I've learned to control my emotions better or at least learned to not let them overwhelm me for days and days. Progress sometimes only happens one day at a time.

I want to have true friendships again, though I've become so anti-social it's so hard to really meet people. Anyone out there interested in becoming email penpals? I'd love to practice writing a bit more with a few of you; while getting to know you better

Life hasn't turned out the way I've wanted it to, I know it is up to me alone to change things, but where do you go when you've lost direction and are spinning about? I want to feel the emotion I feel when learning about someone for the first time and really hitting it off.

I think it may be time for me to attempt a reconnect with the few people I know how to find.

I so very much hate to lose touch; in a world where we have email, Facebook and twitter I have still never felt so disconnected from people. I need to get out and live life a little bit better as "I'm getting too old for this shit."

It's hard transitioning from the world of school where you feel like you can do well without even truly trying to living in a world where the harder you try the more you seem to fall flat on your face.

I want to feel alive, to taste victory, and I want to see the world before it is too late. I feel like I am trapped in a box unable to claw my way out and just feel better.

I'm out of touch and as I said many years ago that still rings true: I am of this world, but not part of it.

I've never really found any place where I truly felt at home, even where I grew up I had my head in the clouds and lived my life chasing stars.

Where do I go from here?

Solitaire

I miss having true connections with people, I've only met a few people I've truly connected with in my life and they could always make me feel better just by talking to them.  It seems all of them have moved on to bigger or better things, all of those things not involving me.

 

It depresses me that I lost my best friend a few years back and I haven't seen him or heard from him since and I couldn't even imagine how to find him as he's very adamant about not having any form of social media and he's not one just to put his name out there.  Best guy friend I ever had as every other time in my life I've connected better with women on a friendship level.

 

Feeling a little lonely and wishing I had more friends or anything to do really.  Sometimes I just wish I had someone to write to on a daily basis.  Journaling helps but it just isn't the same as a real conversation when you need it.

 

Was waiting on my AV cord today that never came; I think the mailman only runs on days he feels like it.  I just hope I get it before Monday so that leaves only tomorrow. 

 

I wasn't really feeling so depressed today, but right now I do. 

 

I tried intergrating twitter with the LJ and it just didn't work as I was tweeting like crazy.

 

I wish I had some junk food :(

Push

It seems I missed posting an entry yesterday.  I do hate it when I fall so far behind that I forget to do things I'd like to do everyday.

I spent yesterday tweeting and watching Smallville--up to season 7 and I swear even though I'm only a few seasons in I have a crush on the supergirl character.

I've discovered that if I post random movie quotes via twitter with the appropriate tags that I get followers and people who retweet--I'm going to test my theory accordingly.

I swear I go from periods of time to where everyone wants to talk to me, to where nobody wants to--there never seems to be an in between and I so hate losing out on good conversation.

Listening to Matchbox 20 currently and probably spent five minutes trying to untangle my earbuds to do so.

I've been in a weird mood lately and perhaps my currently blog entry is probably going to read like a string of tweets instead of being cohesive.

I work Monday, and I'll regret later not acquiring a new job, but for now I'm just going to wing it.  

Now comes the time to go around catching up a bit with everyone, hello everyone!

So wordpress absolutely refuses to accept my email posting, so I've decided that I probably will not be using it anymore.  I've got my LJ and my Blogger and that's all I need.  The blogger being the only one with the potential to earn me money while the LJ being the only one anyone will actually read--go figure.  Very unfortunate that I can't combine the two.

Passion Rules Reason

Wizard's Third Rule: "Passion Rules Reason, for better or for worse."

 

I have to say that this rule often applies in my case.   Often in being quixotic I tend to let my emotions lead me rather than my actual mind.  There is much strength to be found in reason and acting rationally, but when I see something I desire I often do not wish to accept that which is unattainable.  In life by going by feelings rather than both feelings and reason I've gone down paths that have ultimately been left to failure.  How many bridges burn and how many friendships lost due to unrequited love?  I'm not sure I have an answer.  But it's just too bad.  Somewhere along the way of failing so much I built the wall just a little high.  Something would come along and knock it down and I'd put it up again just a little bit higher.

 

"If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be.  Now put foundations under them." ~Thoreau

 

The reality is that the reality of the world may never be is good as the world I imagine in my own mind.  I'd have to say I believe in karma, but the question is where did I go wrong that I can't figure out what to do with my life?  I'm content with my world for now, but it could be so much greater.  I just don't know where to turn in order to change things.  I've been looking in my mind for many years for the answer but I can only conclude that the answer is somewhere out in the world.  It doesn't help to seek an answer when you can't go out in find it. 

 

Last night I felt depressed and after I consumed a large helping of Doritos I discovered that perhaps it was do to blood sugar issues.  I should probably go to the doctor again, when I can afford to do so as I stand at high risk for diabetes--firstly it is hereditary, and also I don't diet and exercise like I should, plus when I get in a depressed mood I often stress eat in order to try to fill up a void.

 

Something has got to change.  I'm not sure if I'm supposed to go back to work tomorrow as I've called the second time for no answer and I was told previously the 29th so that is the date I'm going with unless they call me and tell me otherwise.  I left a voicemail.  I'm currently on unemployment and food stamps due to being unable to find a job--but truthfully even if I dislike my job I'd rather be working instead of just receiving those.  I'm still very much in the red and the lack of money to pay bills is at a critical level.

 

I've been playing the game of nationstates twice a day every day and I feel like my nations are doing quite well.  My oldest and greatest being Palidor where despite my own political beliefs I decided to outlaw political freedom.  It is deemed a "Father Knows Best State" and I think that perhaps this is how I will run my own country someday, or perhaps the world.  Giving a large amount of civil liberties and yet cutting out an actual political system as the system has been doing quite crappy for its citizens as of late.

 

I got the game Siege Hero the other day for my ipod and I've been playing it frequently enough to unlock all the gamecenter achievments but one.  Currently ranked #2,782 out of 807, 451 people.  Game play is parellel to angry birds as you are trying to knock down castles or "sieges" in attempt to crush the enemy characters as well as to not harm the captive peasants on levels that have peasants.  It doesn't have a slingshot like angry birds but instead you just tap a place on the castle and fire.  So very addicting and it is still free if you have an ipod/iphone.

 

Right now I'm going to find something to do, my eyes start hurting after staring at a computer screen for too long, so a quick rest is in order and then onto livejournal comments.

 

"You can't stop the signal"