Everything Else is Prologue

Just sitting here listening to Pandora radio.   Waiting for something better to come along.   That seems to be what I've been doing lately--a whole lot of waiting.  Not much has changed in life these days, aside from the way I've been thinking about myself.

I'm still currently jobless, bored, and a bit unmotivated to change those things at least for the day.

I'm over time breaking my record for sleeping late into the day.  I probably slept 12 hours give or take.  That isn't exactly the key for being productive.  I don't mind being so unproductive when I haven't yet found something to push me into it.  I check the job listings, not as often as I need to but I check them and apply for everything I could see myself doing.  Opportunities are slim some days, but I'll eventually get the motivation I need.

Things in my mind are great.  Breakdowns have been manageable.  I've given up on being worried, stressed and co-dependent.  I'm just trying to make my own way, which is still a mystery to me.  I'll make whatever mistakes I need to make in order to find myself and find the path I need to be on.

I've sadly lost a lot of friends a long the way in my life, recently attempted to re-connect with a few and reach out to a few new ones.  It is nice to talk some days, other days I still remain anti-social, but that's okay.  That's me, a part of me, and I can deal with it however I like. 

I need to find something to do today.  I'm considering following the path of the Samurai, at least for Monster Hunter Tri, and maybe a bit of it in my life.  Video games are a welcome distraction for when I'm playing them to play instead of trying to fill a void.

There isn't really so much a void anymore--I don't feel empty, I feel more complete, more at peace than I have been in years.  I accept myself more for who I am instead of who I want to be or how other people see me.  I can make myself into a stronger person, but I'm still just me.  We too often in our lives let outside influences define who we are.  I've let too many other people define me, but I'm backing away from that. 

The world is best faced with a whole heart and not someone who is trying to fight the pieces he doesn't like. 

Currently I don't have much going on--I've been watching more Heroes, and I've been listening to Wizard's First Rule for hours at night, and I've been catching up with friends when I can.

Other than that I've been contemplating if Captain America is a better hero than Superman, as Captain America would never renounce his U.S. citizenship. 

I think my story in this world is still unfolding, just beginning--everything else is prologue. My past cannot be changed, my future hasn't happened, and as for me currently living in the moment, the present, I have the power to shape the future while never forgetting the past and where I came from.

An Email to Myself

Dear Jim,

 

Ever since I decided to set up email posting via blogger yesterday I have been wanting to try it out.  It seems like an interesting concept, though at the same time very similar to the actual posting of such things. 

 

I also set up text posting though I'm not quite sure how to use it to its fullest as I always use twitter, which serves the same purpose.

 

Life carries on much as it has done for a while, though I feel the clouds themselves have no power over me.  I have to say I enjoy the rain, especially a light rain when it truly indicates how alive you feel.  The pouring rain isn't so bad even when you get caught without an umbrella, after all you may get soaked with bad emotions but you still get the chance to dry later.  Discomfort like that and in life is only temporary, unless of course you decide that it is more.

 

I've been listening to Wizard's First Rule via audiobook lately, and I have to say I enjoy it when I don't always feel the desire to read as my poor eyes aren't what they used to be.  My ears aren't that great either, but they are always open even when I am about to drift off into sleep.  We can close our eyes to the horrors of the world, and we can try to cover our ears, though bad things can still seep through the cracks we cannot seal.

 

I am living in the year 2011, but it feels as if I've been living in 2004 for about 7 years now.  Perhaps I broke a mirror and it trapped me in a time where I did not want to change who I was.  Every year I grow older to the outside world, yet inside I still feel much the same.  Life changes and I feel as if I haven't noticed the changes within me changing with the seasons. 

 

I finally did what I had been meaning to do, just say down and got it over with--and it didn't even take as long as previously imagined.  I'm just happy to have gotten it done, and now for a few moments of peace & prosperity.  I hope to talk to again dear Jim, I'll keep you posted on how everything in life is going.

 

Sincerely You,

James Travers Kane

Untitled Title

I'll have to admit I started feeling so bad today that I didn't think I would post anything at all.  I'm forcing myself to write this actually, just to see what words I put into print.

Today was a tiring day and I'll have to say it was a very emotional day.  I won't go into details...but have you ever been told something by someone that was hurtful only because it was true?  I often have such a low opinion about myself that when other people actually point things out to me I already know it tends to cause a bad emotional reaction.  I'm not sure what causes it, if it is the depression or just some form of chemical imbalance.  I have moments where I just feel like I am falling apart and have no control over anything whatsoever.

Going how I was going this moment hit me hard today.  I know everyday can not be sunshine and I knew this moment would come.  I am going to be okay I realize, as tomorrow is another day.  But I know I must make changes about certain things.

I may find myself heading back to my former dead end job, but temporarily of course.  No power in this verse can stop the winds of change.  Times they are a changing and dark days do not have to last.

[+1]

Another day, I had almost forgotten what day it was to be honest.  Another day sleeping in, but I still have a bit of time to be a little productive before the day is out.

I have been continuing my journey into the show of "Heroes" and am now to the end of the first season.  It's quite entertaining and I do love the characters, especially Hiro.

Today was another peaceful day of mind, and I think that is a good start.  I have been telling myself to apply for a certain customer service job, but I continue to procrastinate.  I think if I do get an interview with this place this time will be different.  I've had three failed interviews, but I've never really inspired confidence.  I want the world to see the inward change I feel within myself.  It's nice not carrying around a feeling of selfloathing. 

I have not yet begun to shape the outward world to my liking, but instead have continued to build confidence within myself.  That is such a good feeling and I'm making progress.  Progress is better than stagnation.

Today I purchased a losing lottery ticket (again). And I played a coin dozer and lost all the money I put into it (again).  This was the expected outcome so it wasn't so bad--however I crave the unexpected outcomes that are possible but so obviously hard to repeat.  Like the time I won $500 on a $2 scratch off ticket, or the time I put a few quarters in the dozer and came away with more than $15 in quarters, my pocket was packed full of change.  Those are nice moments, but not typical of gambling.

In other news I bought a cup of crickets (of which I am counting each to determine how close it actually is to 50 as labeled), and my turtle was quite overjoyed to receive an abundant feast.  Though he still had to chase down the ones he chomped on.  It was quite entertaining watching a animal considered slow move very fast. 

I could compare myself to my turtle.  I spent most of time living in my shell, afraid to stick my neck out as that is the easiest way for it to be chopped off.  However I am determined to live more for the moment and less for the past, while being less worried about the future.  It is still good to be mindful of such things, however not racking my brain so much that it prevents clear thought from actually happening.  I feel such a change, I've let go a bit and it feels great to feel so free. 

Maybe I will do what I meant to do today, but at the very least I'm giving myself a strict deadline of midnight tomorrow.  I tend to work better with deadlines. 

Equilibrium

I've been going through a bit of a struggle within myself for a while now.  I've been living my life co-dependently, basically I have been letting other people define me and go with the flow.  I've decided I'm not just going to go with the flow anymore, but actually make my own flow for once.  I'm gonna do what I want.

What I want right now is not to sleep, though it's late and I probably should.  I want to stay awake a little longer and cherish the peacefulness of night, maybe while I listen to some good music.  I spent the better part of the day rebuilding my music library and even expanding--so I've got to learn to take advantage of such things.

I really feel like things are going to be different, I feel like the cloud is beginning to lift a little.  I feel hopeful, and I know that is the way to start.  I'm so sick of just getting by, I want to flourish and have my own personal renaissance. 

I don't think I'm here to just be a follower. I'm here to make my own path--as someone once told me, "You were born an original, don't die a copy."

Bliss comes from within first, so I've decided that is what I need to do.  Today I was perfectly happy and honestly I didn't do anything differently besides deciding to just be happy. 

I know everyday will not be this way, there will still be days when the world feels like it is crashing down on me.  But today is not that day, so that makes this an absolute victory. 

The world keeps spinning as we all trying to hang on.  Sometimes it's a hard thing to do when we feel like we are falling apart.

I don't feel broken today, I actually have a bit of self-respect.  There have been other moments where I thought I would have a turning point--but I was never truly committed.  I want to be now, because change has to come. "I'm getting too old for this shit."

We all can be our own heroes, if we decide to.  I'm not happy with the way my life is--but guess what? I have the power to change it. 

And now I'm sleepy...

ZZZZZZzzzzz....

Shiny Redemption

I love technology but hate it when that same technology fails.  I now remind myself never to update my IOS or Itunes.  Updates are not supposed to make your ipod crash and cause you to lose all of your files.  That was just what happened to mine and after I could not get it out of recovery mode on my computer.  I actually had to use a different computer to get it to finally work after several hours of frustration.  I wasn't even considering jailbreaking my ipod before, but after this bad experience it looks like it might be a good fit.

Life marches on otherwise, nothing that exciting to report as of today--it was a rainy day and I ended up watching one of my favorite movies while also chilling out and just relaxing.  The time for action, however; is fast approaching.  I feel I am all out of thoughts today really.

Last night I spent chatting with a good friend as I re added all the apps I had lost.  I put everything back the way it was pretty much--aside from the music collection that I will now how to rebuild.  I have Pandora Radio in the meantime.

Today I am committed to being lazy, though I might just read a little bit.

"Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens." 
— J.R.R. Tolkien (The Fellowship of the Ring)