Remembrance

So Guy Fawkes Day is today, and it has traditionally become a day I celebrate by watching V for Vendetta. I'm going to watch it of course, but I'm also going to think of ways to change my life for the better as well as the world.

I've been drifting along and I'm so sick of just getting by--I have to change it and I have to figure out how. I'm sinking in a world that doesn't care that much.

I need a plan, a plot, I need to try something new. By January of 2012 I have to be in a new job or bust. I've become too unused to trying that I need to force myself to try again.

I've got this neat little iPod blogger app so I want to try blogging again for a while. I'm also planning to try a bit of iPod publishing with it focusing on iPod apps and seeing where it goes from there. It could be a fun little venture.

I've gotta find something I love to do in my life before I loathe simply living my life. I've been disconnected from everyone and everything and finding a new connection seems difficult, while maintaining connections seem too often one sided. It is rare when people take an interest in me--but I love those rare people for it as well.

Since I last posted I've also taken an interest in politics once again, and I've discovered I'm a little more libertarian minded at present.

I need to change many things and I feel such a journey begins with a single step....step...

TKO

I have to say this week has not been a good one--I've mostly just been trying to survive and am feeling just a bit too stressed out in life.

Wishing I had any of my long lost friends just to talk to.

I'm tired of life and I just don't know what to do to change everything around. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

The price you pay for being antisocial is nobody really wants to socialize with you when you need people.

Right now I'm just chilling out with music and hoping I can turn things around. Please let me turn things around...

Rain

It was a rainy, dreary day.  Some days I just hate Mondays and today was a very good reminder of that.  Work was busy as I just wasn't in the right mindset to handle it.

 

I was also reminded today why I want so bad to get out of this place as someone came through who was a relative of someone I went to high school with, which reminded me of how successful many of my friends from highschool are who didn't even attend college.  If I'd have gotten into the job market right out of high school I think I would have been in a better job situation by now.

 

On the flip side if I'd not went to college I would not be who I am now, who is someone I am actually starting to like.  I really need to find a work I love, whatever that work may be--I'm just not sure what I want to do however.

 

I wish I was on some tropical island somewhere just chilling out sipping fruity alcoholic drinks lol.

#ZombieApocalpyse

There are some mornings I just wake up and hope for a Zombie Apocalypse, but at the same time I feel I am unprepared for such an occurrence.  I'm constantly trying to formulate a plan in the case for a possible zombie invasion.

 

I know that it may be unlikely but it could still happen--I definitely need to put a plan in place and read the Zombie Survival Guide one more time. I've contemplated taking over  a storage area and raiding the contents of said storage facility if such an attack happens.  I've took into account that many of the other areas such as Wal-Mart or other grocery stores will be looted and it will be in my best interest to avoid human raiders just as much as zombies.  I think perhaps it is time to get a zombie survival video game....

 

I wrote one blog entry already, but I felt the strong desire to write another tonight.  I'm feeling a bit lonely and a bit isolated from the world.  I hate feeling so isolated but I've choose to become this way as I don't go out that often, have people over, don't like to talk on the phone, I do love to write and email or even blog--but I've gotten so bad at it that people rarely talk to me. Perhaps I'm already avoiding people like they are zombies.

 

This weekend was far too short as previously stated and I didn't spend my time very well.  I've probably had more fun at work sadly than I've had at home.  My life isn't too extraordinary lately and I just want things to be shaken up a little bit.  The days when I can act young and stupid are rapidly disappearing and I've probably spent too much time acting like a square lol.

 

I know that even if I got everything I ever wanted I would probably still be unhappy and want more--I've learned however to enjoy the little things and to be satisfied at least with what I have.  Sometimes however on days like that everything I have seems a bit too boring.

 

Life is life and I'm going to keep on living--but I refuse to become a zombie at least until I get that fatal zombie bite during the zombie apocalypse.

Blah

It seems I've fallen out of blogging for the most part.  I think perhaps I've just been procrastinating as the want/need to write hasn't been stirring in me as much as it was previously.  I'm saddest to see that I've lost touch with people on Livejournal as well, not to mention everyone I've already lost touch with in the real world.  I've still been tweeting and trying to keep in touch with people via that service--but honestly I am already slipping with a few good friends on there too.  I don't like not talking to people, but perhaps I haven't been in the mood for much conversation.

 

I've attacked work head on, really trying to do well, and trying to push myself to be a better mercenary for the company that identifies me just as a plain number.  That's what major businesses are good for after all--I'm only as useful to them as long as I keep making them money, which I do so well they outa give me a gold star.  I'm honing my customer service skills and I'm biding my time as I check the want ads periodically while keeping my ear to the ground.  Long days are afoot and they tend to be mentally tiring sometimes and I just have to do everything I can do just to recharge my batteries on a daily basis.

 

I feel sad for the friends I've lost along the way so far--I realize I can be anti-social sometimes so I know the blame rests on my shoulders.

 

This weekend has been a wash--I'm not even sure I can call it a weekend as it is supposed to be two days and only felt like two hours--I'll admit I slept in til 10 today and 8 yesterday (lol stupid days I wake up when I don't desire to)

 

My life hasn't been so exciting--the highlights have been watching the Deadliest Warrior season finale of Vampires vs Zombies and playing random games on my ipod while generally just trying to keep my sanity intact.  I'm a little crazy to begin with I think but I don't need the gentlement in those fancy white coats to come knocking on my door.

 

I'm not sure if anyone will even read this but I love getting email, so if any of you out there decide you need an email penpal feel free to drop me a line: quixotichaven@gmail.com, feel free to even play with me a little bit and make me guess who it is and where I know you from.

 

I think life forgot me at some point....or at least that is what I would have used to say...actually I realize life really doesn't care about me or my plans--I've just got to make due with what I got and with a little luck and a little hope that great things will eventually come my way.

 

I've got most of the things I need in life, but definitely not everything I want nor the things I need for true fulfillment within my heart of hearts.  I do appreciate those things I do have and I appreciate the things I've loved and lost.

 

Life is said to be about the journey, not always about the destination--but with that journey sometimes you have rocky roads and cloudy skies and sometimes it feels like rain follows you where you go--we all have different paths and forks we can take down our path in life so we have control to an extent of what happens, the rest is up to fate. 

 

I'm someone who believes in karma, that if I do good things for the right reasons eventually all that good energy will come back around.  There are some days that I sincerely hope that is true.

 

 

Disconnected and Drifting Away

It has probably been a while since I wrote a proper blog that didn't come out as if it were just a bunch of tweets strung together.  Twitter has been a wonderful thing for when I am totally spaced out and unable to form more complex trains of thought.  Sometimes my attention span is very, very small and I use my free time very, very badly. 

 

Today is Saturday and I am sick with a cold, or something that has given me this horrible sore throat and the desire to do absolutely nothing.  I stayed up late into the night just listening to music and generally having no desire to really go to bed.  I also watched the Other Guys, again as we have been quoting it extensively at work between my own Talladega Nights quotes that I am throwing out there, "Shake and Bake!" Through this I found myself doing something I have never done at work: laughing.  I was filled with good cheer at a place that I have hated experiencing for years and I began to wonder if I am the same person or growing into someone new.

 

The pressure to be whatever anyone else wants is totally off my back, I am only what I make myself to be.  I write my own definition and don't base it off the ideals of other people.  I could label myself slacker somedays or corporate slave other days, but I'm most simply just me--the product of my experiences and the people I've met along paths in time.

 

I feel weird saying this but work is good and I'm having fun doing something that I never imagined I would.  It is only a temporary stop along my life's path and I feel that the next junction in my journey is coming up soon.  I've been trying new things and I'm always on the look out for signs of change.  I'm working on bettering myself inside as a person and being as kind as I can to the outside world--I'm hoping that I will find a star to wish upon and find the change I've desired for years.

 

The more I learn about me however the more disconnected I feel from the world as many of my deep connections with people have fallen away and I've had trouble establishing new ones.  I cannot bring the people back into my life who have gone out of it--but I can remember them as they are forever a part of me.

 

I'm drifting away to something new, something better than I've felt.  The cloud of depression will continue to lift and I will continue to overcome all my own little insecurities.  I still have my flaws I realize and I still have my scars--but as for fear that is also beginning to drift away.

 

There are positives and negatives in everything I realize and I hate being sick but I love just being able to lie around all day and watch movies or listening to music--tweet or even blog.

 

I do not regret the past and the choices I made, I only remember the failures as a stairstep to achievement--I hope it doesn't take too long to get to a greater chapter in my life but I do resolve to be "happy-go-lucky" until I get there.